Why Relationships Matter

Take our Can You Spot Red Flags In A Relationship?

Find a therapist to strengthen relationships

The signal is the emotions and physiology you experience when you perceive a situation as a threat.

The story is what you tell yourself to reduce uncertainty, even if the story is more painful.

Focus on the signal and avoid telling the story to help change how you handle life situations.

How often have you heard this from people explaining their relationship challenges: “I have anxious attachment?” Attachment theory has become part of what I call the “Relationship-Industrial Complex” and is an essential term in our relationship vocabulary. It suggests that relationships demonstrate one of three patterns: anxious, avoidant, or secure. It’s used as both an explanation and an excuse for struggling relationships and other difficulties we often face in our lives. And sometimes it’s accurate; many people do experience anxious attachment in even the most loving relationships.

But just as often, what people are experiencing isn’t that readily explainable because attachment isn’t a dichotomous style (or a label); rather, it lies along a continuum of how we connect with others. And one location along that spectrum is what I call “signal/story attachment.” It is a very human process in which the mind confuses two different internal experiences: signal and story. Understanding the difference can immediately reduce distress and improve how you respond to difficult relationship moments.

Signal: What Is Real and Immediate

When something unsettling happens, your body reacts first. A delayed text. A change in tone. A moment of distance. Your nervous system registers a potential threat. This is not pathology. It’s basic biology. It’s your survival instinct kicking in. Emotions such as anxiety, sadness, frustration, or anger are signals that something meaningful is happening. From an evolutionary perspective, these emotional responses are designed to orient you toward potential threats and mobilize attention and action to remove the threat. The key point is this: The signal is tied to the present moment. It reflects what is happening right now and how your system is interpreting it. Though a clearly unpleasant emotional and physiological experience, it is nonetheless normal, healthy, and often positive information that you should listen to.

The Purpose of the Signal

Emotional signals are not problems to eliminate. They serve specific, important functions.

They invite awareness. Emotions direct your attention toward something that matters.

They slow you down. When you feel something strongly, your system is trying to interrupt automatic or impulsive behavior.

They prompt care. Signals often indicate a need for support, patience, or self-regulation.

Research on emotion regulation consistently shows that acknowledging emotions, rather than suppressing them, leads to better psychological outcomes. In short, the signal is an ally that should be attended to, not the enemy that should be avoided at all costs.

The problem is that when we feel some sort of pain, including emotional pain, our evolutionarily developed reaction is to do everything we can to not feel that pain. That’s where the story comes in.

The Story: What the Mind Adds

Very quickly, the mind begins to interpret the signal. It creates a story around that signal with the intention of easing our pain.

“I’ll never be successful.”

“They’re losing interest.”

“I’m falling behind everyone else.”

“I don’t know who I am without this.”

“They’ll come back to me, I’m sure of it.”

These are the stories we tell ourselves. Some are short stories, even one-liners. Other stories are elaborate fantasies that extend far into the future. Some are incredibly negative, simply affirming definitively what we believe in the moment. Other stories are the exact opposite. They are triumphal tales of the relationship working out, getting the job in the end, or getting a better one. Unfortunately, though these stories provide temporary emotional relief, they make things worse in the end because they anesthetize us against the signals we don’t want to, but really need to, listen to.

Why Relationships Matter

Take our Can You Spot Red Flags In A Relationship?

Find a therapist to strengthen relationships

The story is not the event itself. It is the meaning you assign to the event. And the mind is wired to generate meaning rapidly, often with incomplete information. From a cognitive perspective, this reflects automatic thought patterns and predictive processing. The brain is constantly trying to reduce uncertainty by constructing narratives about what is happening and what will happen next.

How the Story Amplifies Suffering

The real pain is not the initial emotional signal (though it is certainly unpleasant). It is what the story does to it; the story intensifies the signal. It stretches a present-moment reaction into an imagined catastrophic future. It converts uncertainty into painful certainty. The paradox here is that, from an evolutionary perspective, we would rather know that something bad is going to happen than not know what the future portends.

Most importantly, it shifts the threat from the situation to the self. A delayed reply becomes “I’m not wanted.” A setback becomes “I’m a failure.” This shift is critical. What began as a manageable emotional response to an immediate concern becomes a broader psychological threat to our very value as people. This pattern aligns with what cognitive models describe as catastrophizing and overgeneralization, both of which are strongly associated with anxiety and distress.

Separating Signal From Story

The goal is not to eliminate the emotions in any particular moment. It is to separate the signal from the story. Start by allowing the emotional signal without resistance. If you feel anxious, acknowledge that anxiety is present.

Then notice when your thinking shifts from what hurts (the signal) to what it means (the story). That transition is the moment where signal becomes story. It’s also the moment when the pain of the situation becomes the excruciating pain of self-judgment and failure. Even when the story feels helpful or protective (yes, it does dull the pain in the short term), it often adds unnecessary suffering in the long run. Instead of resolving uncertainty, it ultimately amplifies it. And, in doing so, the “volume” of the pain gets much louder too.

Grounding Back in the Signal

A more effective response is to return to what is real, present, and actionable. In other words, what you are feeling in the moment (the signal).

Name the emotion without interpretation: “This is anxiety.” “This is sadness.”

Acknowledge that it hurts, but also realize that it will pass if you allow it to.

Bring your attention back to what you can control now, for example, work, family and friends, self-care.

When you feel the pull toward telling a story, remind yourself that a story will only make it worse.

Now, here’s the hard part. Choose not to tell yourself the story. Redirect your attention, immerse your mind in something (e.g., a book, music, time with friends, exercise), or do something you enjoy. All of these not only distract you from creating a story, but they also generate positive emotions and physiology that ease the signal.

Overall, let the larger meaning of the current situation reveal itself over time, rather than constructing a narrative prematurely that will likely not turn out to be true.

This approach is consistent with mindfulness-based interventions, which emphasize present-moment awareness and nonjudgmental observation of thoughts and emotions.

A Different Way to Understand Yourself

Before concluding that something is fundamentally wrong with you and assigning a label, anxious attachment, that may not accurately reflect your state of mind, consider a simpler explanation: Maybe you don’t have anxious attachment. As a result, you aren’t doomed to a life of loneliness (talk about catastrophizing!). You may simply be experiencing a normal emotional signal that you are in a situation that isn’t healthy for you (no matter how much you wish it were otherwise) and then telling yourself a story that will make things much harder than they are now. If you stop the story, you not only ease your pain, but you also begin to rewire your brain so that, with enough practice, you no longer have to resist telling yourself a story, but rather can just sit with the signal until it passes (and I assure you it will).

Learning to distinguish between signal and story doesn’t eliminate emotional pain or failed relationships. But it prevents you from adding insult to injury in an already challenging moment. And, in some cases, it also may just salvage the situation you are in or enable you to move on more quickly to a life situation that is healthy and fulfilling. And that shift alone can change how you experience relationships, performance, and life.

There was a problem adding your email address. Please try again.

By submitting your information you agree to the Psychology Today Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

© Psychology Today