What's a Parent's Role?

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Intensive parenting can involve too much closeness or too much distance from children.

Over-nurturing and over-accommodating can crowd a child’s developmental space.

Outsourcing, checking out, or shutting down can also crowd a child's space to grow.

Murray Bowen described optimal functioning as balancing connection and separateness.

“Helicopter parenting” is a common term for overinvolved parenting—hovering, anticipating problems, and stepping in too quickly.

In recent times, many writers have drawn attention to the impact of this pattern of hovering over a child to manage aspects of their life, particularly as young adults struggle with independence and dealing with the demands of life.

But focusing on this one version narrows the picture.

Many parents don’t recognize themselves in the image of hovering. Yet they find themselves caught in patterns in which they think, feel, or respond with intensity toward their child. The anxious focus on children that has been growing over the decades has many faces. For many parents, it’s hard to see that there is a dose of stress in their parenting style, given that it’s just become the air we are breathing in the world of parenting advice.

In my work with parents over the decades, I’ve come to see that intensive parenting patterns are more varied—and often less obvious. Hence, I think it’s helpful to consider the different faces of intensive parenting.

Looking Beyond “Overdoing”

Much of the discussion about overparenting focuses on what parents do—over-managing, over-organizing, stepping in too quickly.

There is another layer that is less often recognized.

Parents can become highly attuned to their child’s internal world, tracking moods, anticipating distress,........

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