Is no a bad word? For many of us, it can feel that way. Humans are social beings. As such, we seek out a feeling of belonging. The idea of disappointing someone leads us to fear being abandoned so we agree to things we may not actually want to. It’s a learned social response to maintain relationships.

However, this can sometimes lead to a behavior called sociotropy. Sociotropy is a personality trait in some people pleasers. Individuals who are driven to maintain the approval of others. They believe pleasing others is the antidote to being rejected (Martinez et al, 2020). Setting a boundary which requires saying “no” leads to feelings of guilt, sadness and/or anxiety. As a result, setting limits becomes a struggle. That doesn’t mean the boundary is wrong or selfish. It is a reflection of a nervous system that is being activated out of fear (Newman, 2021) brought on by the instinctive possibility of rejection. When our nervous systems are activated, it does not mean something will happen, it just means we fear it will. Taking intentional steps to sit with the discomfort we’re feeling will help reinforce the understanding that nothing changes in relationships when boundaries are set.

Here are five ways to set effective boundaries:

When setting a boundary with a family member or friend make sure you state the boundary clearly. For example, say:

“I’m not able to do that,”

“I may not be able to do that,” or “I don’t think so.”

The first sentence is clear and decisive. The second two communicate ambivalence.

When communicating try not to over-explain. For example, a response like this:

“I have to do X and Y and that’s why I can’t help”

provides too much rationalizing. Over-explaining invites someone to help solve your conflict. This unsolicited advice may be offered to help, but it can lead to a boundary debate. Is your calendar clear now and you can help them? The key is to keep your responses direct and simple so “no” is “no” and remains “no” because you hold firm.

If someone dislikes hearing “no” and starts to argue with you about your decision, resist participating. You can hold space for their reaction by saying something like: “I know it’s frustrating that I can’t be there to help you.” In this example, your language validates their feelings but still maintains your boundary.

It’s not unusual for people in your life who are used to your compliance when asked to do something to respond with surprise or anger. In life relationship dynamics change all the time. That doesn’t mean that relationship will be canceled. It just means the relationship is evolving. Relationships are more resilient than you might be imagining.

Guide the Internal Noise:

Unfortunately, you’re not just going to be coping with reactions from the outside, you’re going to have to manage the reactions that are coming from the inside as well. When you set your boundary, your internal critic might offer a lot of its own feedback. These thoughts might look like:

“They must be mad at me,”

“I’ve ruined our relationship,”

“I should have just done what they asked.”

Remind yourself that this is the result of your nervous system being activated related to a fear surge at the possibility of rejection. These anxious thoughts are assumptions; they’re not based in fact. As you challenge assumptions, separating fear from truth, the internal noise will reduce in your brain.

Closely monitor the real-life outcomes of setting boundaries. Use this information as future evidence to combat your fear-based assumptions.

After setting a boundary, ask yourself:

“Was my friendship ruined after the boundary I set?”

“Did they behave differently toward me?”

“Were they afraid to ask me for help in the future?”

When evaluating your outcomes, notice that not only have your relationships not changed, but they may have even improved. If there is a case when you carefully review the evidence and determine there has been a shift in the dynamic, be patient. Sometimes when behaviors change in a relationship there is an adjustment period. If the person in your life loves you for who you are, not just for the services you provide, they will come around in time.

Setting boundaries protects relationships. When we don’t set them and do things we don’t want to do our frustration with the people around us builds. Over time this feeling turns into resentments that erode the foundation of relationships. Boundaries are the antidote to relationship resentment buildup. Communication is the key. It’s easy to believe that the people in our lives should somehow know what we can or cannot do, what we have time for and what we don’t, or what we do or don’t want to do. Unfortunately, they can’t read our minds so we can’t delegate this job to them. They need to rely on us to communicate our limits. Once we do, resentments fall away and relationships flourish in a sustainable way. The impact on relationships is the opposite of the abandonment, and the rejection people fear. The result is positive not negative.

Setting a boundary will absolutely make you uncomfortable initially. But discomfort doesn’t mean you harmed someone or did something wrong. In the end, sometimes the changes we make that make us most afraid and anxious are the ones that will eventually bring us the most contentment. Setting boundaries will help you feel stronger, which lays a better foundation for healthier relationships.

Martínez, R., Senra, C., Fernández-Rey, J., & Merino, H. (2020, August 7). Sociotropy, autonomy and emotional symptoms in patients with major depression or generalized anxiety: The mediating role of rumination and immature defenses. International journal of environmental research and public health. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7459840/

MediLexicon International. (n.d.). Fear: What happens in the brain and body?. Medical News Today. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/323492

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