Why Relationships Matter

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Boundaries define expectations and appropriate behavior within a relationship.

Setting and implementing boundaries facilitates trust and cohesion in romantic relationships.

Boundaries may be needed if the relationship feels out of balance or you have lost your sense of self.

To start, think about what you need to feel safe and secure in your relationship.

Relationships are regulated by rules and expectations about how to act, which define what is expected and appropriate behavior within the relationship. Rules, or boundaries, are believed to serve several functions, including regulating behavior and facilitating trust and cohesion in the relationship.

Relationship research has shown that there are implicit and explicit rules in romantic relationships as well as a hierarchy of boundaries, where some boundaries are given more importance. For example, research participants generally report infidelity as a more serious boundary violation, whereas not respecting a boundary related to time spent on hobbies was less serious.

Signs that setting or changing boundaries in your relationship would be helpful include:

The relationship feels out of balance in terms of the degree of autonomy and dependence

You feel like you have lost your sense of self

Feeling more irritable, stressed, anxious, angry, or resentful toward your partner

Boundaries can help build security and trust, and having security and trust also makes it easier to set, implement, and respect boundaries.

How to Set Helpful Boundaries

First, take some time to think about and write down your boundaries. Your boundaries are what you need to feel safe, secure, and comfortable in your relationship, and how you need your partner to behave in the relationship. Think about times you felt most safe and comfortable in your relationship, and times you felt the least safe and comfortable. How were you interacting with your partner during these times? This may help highlight your boundaries.

You can start by writing down your boundaries in any order. Then, rewrite your boundary list in order of importance. Which boundaries are “hard” or non-negotiable? Put these at the top, with your most important boundaries first, and then list the rest in order of importance.

Next, think about how to put your boundaries into practice and the consequences for your partner disrespecting or crossing your boundaries. For example, one of your hard boundaries may be no yelling during conversations, and the consequence of disrespecting the boundary is that the conversation will immediately be stopped.

Then, talk with your partner about one of your boundaries. A helpful way to talk about a boundary is to clearly and simply state what you need/want. You can use phrases such as “I need…,” “I would feel more comfortable if…,” “It would help me and our relationship if…” If you are feeling nervous about talking about a boundary with your partner, try writing down what you want to say and saying it out loud to yourself a few times before you talk to your partner.

Start with a “soft” boundary—something you would like to happen, yet it is not of top importance, and you can be flexible with it.

Reflect on your experience with setting the boundary. Did you run into any obstacles? If so, how can these be overcome? What was your internal experience with the boundary, and how did the boundary impact your relationship?

Commit to practicing the boundary for at least a couple of weeks to a month so you can gather information and see how it goes.

When you feel more comfortable setting soft boundaries, move to setting a hard/non-negotiable boundary. Or, if you already feel comfortable setting boundaries, you can start with a hard boundary.

A boundary doesn’t mean anything if it can be crossed without consequence. So, practice setting and reinforcing a clear consequence if your partner crosses a boundary.

If your partner violates your boundary, practice clearly, calmly, and firmly stating that the boundary has been crossed. Remind them of the boundary and the consequences of crossing it. For example, “I know you are upset right now, and you crossed my boundary by yelling at me. That is not OK with me, and I am going to end this conversation. We can talk again when we are both feeling calmer and can maintain a calm tone of voice.”

Practice patience and compassion. No one is perfect, and a boundary may be crossed occasionally. Within reason, and if the violation is not abusive, practice patience and compassion and allow your partner the opportunity to change their behavior and respect your boundaries moving forward.

Why Relationships Matter

Take our Can You Spot Red Flags In A Relationship?

Find a therapist to strengthen relationships

West, A. E., & Fallon, B. J. (2005). Rule-setting and rule-breaking: A conceptual model of rules and expectations in romantic relationships. Proceedings of the Australian Psychological Society, 143, 143.

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