What's a Parent's Role?

Take our Authoritative Parenting Test

Find a family therapist near me

Setting limits based on fear rather than genuine values gives children an uncertain signal they will test.

Self-determination theory shows the need for autonomy starts in infancy and grows stronger every year.

Knowing your own needs in a tense moment often means you never have to set a limit at all.

You ask your child to stop jumping on the couch. They look you right in the eye and keep jumping. You say it again, louder, but nothing changes.

In the first post in this series, we looked at what that moment is actually communicating. Defiance is rarely random. Research shows it's often a child's way of signaling that something isn't working—usually that too many limits are being placed on their sense of control, or that they're reaching out for connection in the only way that seems to get a response. A child who simply says "no" has actually hit a developmental milestone. And a child who complies with everything, every time, isn't thriving—research links high compliance in young children to greater worry and fearfulness later on.

So if more limits aren't the answer, what is? That starts with understanding why setting limits is so hard in the first place. And it's probably not the reason you think.

1. You're not sure what your values are

Values and goals are different things. A goal is the summit of the hike. Values are the decisions you make about how you want the journey to feel—whether you take photos, whether you chat or hike in silence, whether you pack trail mix or a gourmet lunch.

Goals tell us where we want to go. Values guide the decisions we make along the way.

When you don't know what your values are, setting limits becomes guesswork. You're setting limits based on fear (what if they become someone nobody wants to be around?) rather than on something you actually believe. And children can tell. If you set a limit you don't believe in, your tone won't be clear and firm—it'll be uncertain and slightly apologetic, and your child will test it.

Our couch was about 12 years old when my daughter Carys was 1 and jumping on it, and it seemed OK. By the time she was 3 and still jumping on it, it was creaking, springs were collapsing. And it was clear it was not meant to take that kind of use. So we did institute a limit of not jumping on the couch.

That limit came from a genuine value—respecting property. The limit was enforced simply because I believed in it. When you believe the limit, you don't have to gear up for conflict. You just hold it.

2. You're setting limits to control behavior, not to meet a need

Think of a time when someone told you that you had no choice—that you had to do something. Maybe a parent told you what major to take in college. A boss handed you a project without asking. A partner told you what they wanted you to do and made it clear that wasn't a discussion.

Did you want to do the thing? Even if you'd wanted it before, maybe you wanted it just a little bit less once someone took away your say.

All humans, including children who can't yet speak, want a say over what happens to them. That's the need for autonomy, one of the three core needs identified in self-determination theory (autonomy, competence, and relatedness). And it doesn't kick in at adolescence or school age. It's there in infancy. The older children get, the more strongly they feel it.

When we set limit after limit throughout the day, children push back because their need for autonomy is chronically unmet.

The question worth asking isn't just "what do I want my child to do?" It's also "what do I want their reason to be for doing it?" If the answer is fear—fear of me, fear of punishment, fear of what happens if they don't—then we're building something that might look like compliance but is actually a child who's given up on advocating for themselves.

What's a Parent's Role?

Take our Authoritative Parenting Test

Find a family therapist near me

3. You don't know your own needs

This one is the most important—and the hardest.

Once when Carys was about 6, she was jumping on the deck of a house we were staying in, and she kept jumping toward the steps down to the garden. My first instinct was to say "stop jumping like that, you're going to hurt yourself." But I knew what my actual need was: safety. Her safety, specifically.

So instead I said: "I'm worried you're going to fall down the steps and hurt yourself. How can we make sure that doesn't happen?"

She had an idea. I had an idea. Hers conflicted slightly with mine, so she came up with another one—moving pebbles to the side so she could mark her jumps without landing on them. That met both of our needs without a limit. She got play, movement, joy, and competence. I got safety.

None of that would have been possible if I hadn't known what I actually needed. If I'd been operating on a vague sense of irritation—or if my need had actually been for quiet and I hadn't recognized it—I would have felt resistant to her suggestions without knowing why. My window of tolerance would have narrowed, and eventually I would have snapped.

Knowing your needs doesn't just help you set better limits. It often means you don't need to set one at all.

Most of us were never taught to ask "what do I actually need here?" before responding to a child's behavior. We were taught to manage the behavior. These three shifts—getting clear on your values, asking what need a limit is supposed to meet, and knowing your own needs in the moment—won't just change how you set limits. They'll change how often you need to set them at all.

But there's one more piece that research says matters more than any of this. It turns out the most powerful tool you have for reducing defiance isn't a consequence, a script, or a parenting framework. It's your relationship with your child. In the next post, we'll look at what the research says about connection—and why repairing the relationship often dissolves the defiance before you ever have to set a limit at all.

Lumanlan, J. (n.d). Setting Loving (& Effective) Limits Workshop. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/settinglimits

Lumanlan, J. (2026, January 4). Intentional Parenting Goals That Actually Work. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/intentional-parenting-goals

Lumanlan, J. (2020, September 7). 119: Aligning Your Parenting With Your Values. Your Parenting Mojo. https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/upbringing

Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68–78. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.55.1.68

Sirois, M. S., Bernier, A., Gagné, C. M., & Mageau, G. A. (2022). Early maternal autonomy support as a predictor of child internalizing and externalizing behavior trajectories across early childhood. Social Development, 31, 883–899. https://doi.org/10.1111/sode.12575

There was a problem adding your email address. Please try again.

By submitting your information you agree to the Psychology Today Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

© Psychology Today