As a relationship therapist, I see many people like Sara, Chris, and Jenna who struggle to leave partners who repeatedly hurt, neglect, or disrespect them. It’s easy to say, “If they mistreat you, just leave.” But when it comes to the experience of love and attachment, it’s far more complicated. Here are three reasons you may keep returning to a partner who treats you poorly—and what you can do to reclaim control of your heart and future.
Sara met Dan on a dating app, and though the highs of their relationship were thrilling, the lows were excruciating. Dan would ignore her for days, only to return with sweet promises and affectionate words. This pattern left Sara feeling on edge but also highly attuned to the little moments when he did pay attention to her. When Dan finally texted back or showed up for a date, it felt like a significant reward that Sara chased despite her better judgment.
This is no accident. Unpredictable affection, like what Sara experienced, creates a cycle where your brain releases dopamine, the “feel-good” chemical, in response to intermittent positive reinforcement. Similar to gambling or other addictive behaviors, the brain learns to crave the high moments, even when they are........