What's a Parent's Role?

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Patterns that may feel like caring for the parent can put pressure on the adult child.

The parents who stay closest to their adult children are not the ones who care less.

Parents who stay closest to their adult children are those who learn to care in a quieter, nonintrusive way.

Over the past several years, I have seen a steady increase in parents reaching out to me, confused and hurt by their relationships with their adult children. These are not neglectful parents. Typically, they are thoughtful, caring, and emotionally invested in their adult children's lives. It is heartbreaking when I hear things like, "He barely calls or texts anymore," or "She gets so defensive as soon as I say anything," or "We used to be so close, but now everything is just so damn tense."

In all these cases, the distance is not caused by a lack of love. Rather, it is caused by patterns that feel like caring for the parent and pressure on the adult child. Here are three of the most common ones that I see. The names below have been changed to preserve the confidentiality of my parent-coaching clients and their adult children.

1. Advice That Feels Like Criticism

This is a true parent-adult child relationship eroder. Linda, 65, reached out to me, stating that she just wants to be supportive of her adult daughter, Christi, age 31, in making decisions. After speaking with Linda, I learned that she asks Christi things like: "Are you sure this job is right for you?" or "Don't you think you should be putting more money away?" or " Christi, you are not getting any younger; when are you going to settle down?"

Linda hears her own concern in her voice. Christi hears disappointment. Many parents don't realize that once a child becomes an adult, repeated advice can sound more like. "You are living your life the wrong way."

2. Wanting More Contact Than the Adult Child Is Comfortable Giving

Tom, age 58, feels hurt that his son, Billy, age 27, only calls him every few weeks. Tom says to Billy, "You never make time for us anymore." "We used to be closer." "It seems like your work has gotten in the way or maybe even become more important than your family."

Billy feels that Tom is trying to make him feel guilty. Tom, on the other hand, is trying to express to Billy that he really misses him. But Billy experiences Tom's comments as pressure rather than a connection.

Billy represents grown children who are trying to juggle careers, relationships, finances, and stress in ways that leave them with less energy than parents expect or understand. When every conversation turns to the frequency of contact, the adult children may pull away even more.

3. Holding on to the Parent Role Too Tightly

Carol still feels responsible for her 33-year-old daughter, Sara's, life choices. She worries about money, health, and relationships, and she conveys that way too often. When Carol wraps it in the paper that reads "I just want the best for you," she is sure that Sara can understand and appreciate her well-meaning intentions. But Sara hears, "I still don't trust you to run your own life."

Carol helps illustrate that one of the greatest shifts to navigate in parenting is from being "in charge" to becoming a supporter. Yet when parents still act like managers, their grown children pull away to protect their independence.

The parents who stay closest to their adult children are not the ones who care less. They are the ones who learn to care in a quieter, nonintrusive way.

What's a Parent's Role?

Take our Authoritative Parenting Test

Find a family therapist near me

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