As a couples therapist, I see the same patterns repeated in my office repeatedly. Clients often ask me, “Why do I keep picking people who aren’t good for me?” They’ve ended relationships with one problematic partner only to find themselves with someone similar the next time around. So, what keeps us choosing partners who aren’t right for us? Below, we’ll explore the four most common reasons people fall into this pattern, illustrated with real-life examples from therapy. Plus, we’ll go over some tips for how to break these habits for good.
For many, the way we love is deeply rooted in our earliest relationships. If you grew up with inconsistent, overly critical, or emotionally unavailable parents, you might be drawn to partners with similar traits. Even if it’s painful, the familiar can feel “normal,” leading us to repeat cycles set in our formative years.
Take Emma, for instance. Raised by a distant and unaffectionate father, she unconsciously sought out partners who mirrored his aloofness. “Why do I always fall for guys who are hard to reach emotionally?” she asked in a session. The truth was that Emma was comfortable with this dynamic despite its toll on her self-esteem. Her familiarity with the feeling of having to "earn" love or affection became a habit she didn't recognize as unhealthy.
Tip: Self-awareness is critical. If you can identify familiar,........