I tell my counseling clients that it is expected to put in some work for any relationship to flourish. We all navigate differences, tackle misunderstandings, and sometimes make extra efforts to meet each other's needs. But how do we know when we're putting in too much work—when what we're giving goes beyond healthy compromise and heads into territory that drains us?
In Why Can't You Read My Mind, my book on relationships, I outline a simple gauge to assess relationship strain called the "3-D Effect." Think of it as three stages of how the weight of a relationship can escalate over time: distraction, distance, and disconnection. Understanding these phases can help you notice whether your work is about bridging manageable differences or whether it’s a signal that something far more profound and potentially harmful is going on. First, look at some examples of couples putting in work with a small "w" versus couples putting in work with a capital "W."
Let’s clarify what “working” with a small "w" can look like. Healthy work includes accepting stylistic differences, managing disagreements, and compromising on routine decisions. For instance, Bella and Matt, who have been together for a few years, struggle with typical "small-w" issues. Bella prefers a lot of planning, while Matt is more spontaneous. They........