7 Words Adult Children Say Before Cutting Off Parents |
What's a Parent's Role?
Take our Authoritative Parenting Test
Find a family therapist near me
Disconnection is often quiet before it is final.
"You don't understand me" is a turning point.
Meaningful, consistent shifts in listening can prevent or repair big ruptures.
Many parents who reach out to me are not dealing with constant explosive conflict. They're dealing with something even more confusing—and more painful. That's because they hear echoes in their minds of "I thought we were close," or "We don't even fight," or "I don't understand what happened, how can this be that they cut me off?"
But in many of these situations, there was a warning sign. It just didn't sound like one. In my work, I often hear a version of the same seven words before adult children pull away.
"You Don't Even Try to Understand Me"
Those words, "You don't even try to understand me," may come out differently for grown children toward their parents. Maybe they say, "You're not really listening," or "You don't get what I am saying," or "I can't talk to you about this." But the message is the same: "I don't feel understood when I'm with you."
For any of you who have read some of my other posts, you may have heard me say from time to time that understanding is even more important than love in all intimate relationships. That's because feelings of love can wax and wane. But when we don't feel understood—especially repeatedly—that really breaks down relationships, leading to disconnection.
The experience of not feeling heard often begins much earlier than parents realize. I describe this in my book, Freeing Your Child from Overthinking, that children learn, over time, whether their inner world—when shared with their parents— will be understood or redirected.
The Moment Parents Miss
Below are three examples of parents I worked with (names changed for privacy) in my parent coaching practice.
Linda reflexively reassures without first listening.
Let's consider Linda. She is a devoted mom who prides herself on always being there for her 27-year-old son, Eric. When he told her he was overwhelmed by office politics at work, she quickly attempted to reassure him: "Eric, you're smart and a strong guy, you'll figure it out."
Linda's own anxiety was a big driver of her frequent reassurances. But what she meant as encouragement landed as dismissal to Eric. He stopped opening up and closed down his phone when Linda tried to reach him.
David's "fixes" lead his daughter to feel more broken.
Next, we can look at David, who tried to "fix" things (Usually with "If I were you......") when his daughter, Elise, called him about her relationship struggles. But over time, the conversations became quite tense. Small disagreements became trying debates. Elise started to share less. Months later, Elise yelled at David, saying, "You don't know how to just [expletive] listen." David felt blindsided, and Elise felt alone.
Maria's overly open disclosures led her daughter to close off.
Maria generally thought she had a close relationship with her adult daughter, Rachel. She valued openness and often shared a lot with Rachel. This included Maria's worries, frustrations, and even personal details about her own life. But over time, these conversations began to feel way too heavy for Rachel. Then Rachel started pulling back, keeping exchanges shorter and more surface-level. When Maria tried to open up even more, hoping it would bring them closer, it had the opposite effect.
What's a Parent's Role?
Take our Authoritative Parenting Test
Find a family therapist near me
Rachel was fed up and one day said, "Mom, I feel like you have never really heard me." While Maria was understandably shaken, Rachel felt invisible.
Adult children don't cut off relationships with their parents when they feel deeply understood. But I have seen that when a parent's understanding strengthens and is conveyed, so can the possibility of reconnecting with their adult child.
There was a problem adding your email address. Please try again.
By submitting your information you agree to the Psychology Today Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy