Why Foster Children Fall Apart After Seeing the Birth Parent |
What Are Adverse Childhood Experiences?
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The cycle of hello and goodbye can quietly intensify a child’s grief and longing.
What looks like misbehavior is often grief and loss rising to the surface after connection.
Children may release emotions later, when they feel safe enough to let go.
The child’s nervous system expresses what they cannot yet put into words.
It often catches foster parents off guard.
A child returns from a visit with their birth parent, and for a moment, things seem…fine. Maybe even calm. There’s relief: “That went better than expected.”
But later that evening or the next day, everything unravels.
The child melts down over something small.
They become aggressive, defiant, withdrawn, or inconsolable.
They regress to bedwetting, baby talk, and clinginess.
They push you away…just when you are trying to comfort them.
And the question arises, often with confusion and heartbreak: “Why now? The child seemed to be OK after.”
A Story You May Recognize
Eight-year-old Matthew had been in his foster home for six months.
He was thoughtful and funny, and on most days, he kept himself tightly wound. He followed his caregivers' motions, helped set the table, and rarely experienced meltdowns, not because he didn’t have big feelings, but because he had learned to hold them in.
His foster mother described him as “adjusting well.”
Then came the court-ordered visits. Every other Saturday, Matthew would see his birth mother for two hours at a supervised family center. During the visits, he smiled, he laughed, and showed her his drawings. And when it was time to leave, he walked away quietly.
No tears. No protest.
“See you next time,” he would say.
But that night, everything changed. Matthew refused dinner. He snapped at his foster siblings. He slammed his bedroom door, something he had never done before. Later, when his foster mom gently checked on him, he screamed:
“You’re not my real mom! I don’t have to listen to you!”
And then, just as suddenly, he collapsed into sobs, deep, body-shaking sobs that seemed far bigger than the moment. The next morning, he wet the bed. Again, his foster mom was left wondering: What just happened?
Visits Reopen the Wound of Separation
For children in foster care,........