Keeping Secrets From Your Co-Parent |
Q. My 11-year-old daughter started her period and asked her mother not to tell me. So, she didn't. I found out almost two months later, and I was not happy about the secrecy. Isn't this something my ex should have told me, even if our daughter asked her not to?
A. This is a sensitive situation that sits right at the intersection of a child's growing need for privacy and a parent's responsibility to co-parent transparently. To be direct: yes, your ex should have told you. Not sharing this information establishes a quiet "You can trust me more" dynamic with your child, and that is questionable co-parenting.
Let's start with what matters most. Your daughter has reached a significant developmental milestone. Puberty isn't just a physical change; it's an emotional one. For many children, especially at 11, asking for privacy isn't about secrecy or exclusion. It's about trying to regain a sense of control over a body that suddenly feels unpredictable and exposed. And yes, part of this is simply that you are Dad (and a guy), and she likely felt embarrassed having that conversation with you. That's not personal. What made it personal was that Mom chose not to tell you.
To be fair, your co-parent was placed in a difficult position. She may have believed that honoring your daughter's request was the same as protecting her confidence. But here's the distinction, and remember this,........