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Co-parenting conflicts often stem from assumptions and historical family dynamics.

Use empathy to shift arguments to problem-solving conversations.

Our framework helps keep co-parenting disagreements from escalating.

“My ex is keeping the children away from me. She says they are afraid of me, they don’t want to come to my house, and she’s not going to make them if they don’t want to. I think she’s lying. My kids would never say that. This is all her!”

“My ex is keeping the children away from me. She says they are afraid of me, they don’t want to come to my house, and she’s not going to make them if they don’t want to. I think she’s lying. My kids would never say that. This is all her!”

I'm making a guess about what's going on here, but it's an educated guess. I’ve seen the pattern you describe many times in my work with co-parents.

Please note: My observations are not gender- or role-specific. I chose "mother/father" and "mom/dad" to make it easier for the reader to follow along.

Here’s the pattern…in this case, the mother tells the father that the children are afraid or reluctant to visit, and he immediately interprets it as a lie. Not a misunderstanding. Not a difference in perception. A lie.

From his point of view, when the children are with him, everything seems fine. They laugh and play, and nothing seems out of the ordinary. So, when the mother reports that the children don’t want to go see him, he assumes she's making it up.

Father tells mother to stop lying.

She defends herself by insisting she’s not lying. She’s simply passing along what the children have told her.

And then the familiar exchange begins.

Shifting Conversations into Unproductive Patterns

Because there's never a winner to a “Yes, you are / No, I’m not” argument, the conversation shifts to something much bigger. (I call it this the Tit-for-Tat argument cycle.)

“You’re not letting me see my kids. You never have. You’re interfering with my time with them.”

Mom has no idea how to respond. In her mind, she's trying to support the children and doing exactly what she thinks she should do as a co-parent. She thinks she's protecting her children and communicating with their dad. The father, however, sees her response as interference. The more she insists she's just repeating what the children say, the more convinced he becomes that she's blocking his relationship with them.

The Role of Assumptions in Co-Parenting

So much of what fuels these disputes is assumptions.

Dad assumes Mom is lying.

Mom assumes the children are telling the truth.

Without a way for the parents to check in with one another and believe what the other is saying, the children drive the situation. They become the messengers, the interpreters, and the gatekeepers without the emotional wherewithal to manage all that responsibility.

Here's where it gets a little tougher.

The children may not be exaggerating. Mom may not be lying, and Dad may not be intentionally frightening anyone. They may simply be stuck in a pattern that developed while the family was still living together.

For example, imagine that when the parents lived together, the children were wary of Dad’s temper. When something upset them, they would tell Mom how they were feeling.

Mom would then run defense. She might soften the message before bringing it to Dad. She might try to deliver the information carefully so he wouldn’t react angrily. And if he did react strongly, she would absorb most of it and shield the children from the conflict.

No one ever directly told Dad that his reactions were scaring the kids. The family simply developed a system for dealing with it.

What's a Parent's Role?

Take our Authoritative Parenting Test

Find a family therapist near me

Then the parents break up. But the coping system remains the same. The children still tell Mom how they feel. Mom still filters the information before passing it along. Dad still hears only fragments and reacts with frustration.

Now, however, they live in separate households, and the incentive to smooth things over is gone.

Mom still avoids conflict.

Dad still interprets the avoidance as deception.

Historical Family Dynamics Affecting Current Conflicts

Meanwhile, the children are stuck in the middle. They may genuinely feel uneasy about Dad’s reactions, but they also don’t want to hurt him. They love their dad. He just frightens them when he yells. Without Mom acting as a buffer, the simplest solution becomes refusing to go, which quickly turns into the accusation: “You’re keeping the kids away from me.”

This is exactly the kind of situation where a third party can help the co-parents unpack the assumptions and teach the family new ways to communicate without fear—but it starts with the parents. A co-parenting counselor, therapist, or mediator can identify the communication patterns, point out how arguments escalate, and guide both parents toward healthier responses.

Strategies for Effective Communication

Here's an example of how a simple change in response can shift the entire tone of a conversation.

Child: “Dad, you always yell at me when I tell you something!”

Dad: “I do not! (yelling) Sarcastic rhetorical reaction: What are you talking about?”

The child backs down. Inside, he’s thinking, “He never listens to me anyway, so why bother confiding anything?”

Now compare that with Response #2.

Child: “Dad, you always yell at me when I tell you something!”

Dad pauses for a moment and then says calmly, “Wow. I can only imagine how that must feel. I'm so sorry. I would love to hear what you have to say.”

Same situation. Very different outcome.

Here’s the difficult part.

In the heat of an argument, it’s extremely difficult to slow down, take a breath, and respond with empathy instead of reacting.--but that's exactly what parenting requires. If we want our children, and our co-parent, to come to us with an open mind rather than expecting us to bite their head off, we have to create an environment where they feel safe doing just that.

This is a good place to introduce Communicating with C.A.R.E., a framework I often teach co-parents to help keep difficult conversations from escalating.

Communication: Respond, don’t react. Think before you speak. This could include things like taking a breath or counting to ten to get your bearings.

Acceptance: Your co-parent may simply have a different opinion. That’s okay.

Respect: A difference of opinion does not mean either of you is wrong.

Empathy: Put yourself in their shoes. Try to see things from their point of view. Empathy is a great equalizer.

You might say something like:

“If you feel that strongly, no wonder you’re so angry. Let’s see if we can find a solution that works for both of us.” Then ask, “What do you see as the solution? I'm all ears.”

Sound a little naïve? Try it. Empathy is a powerful tool. It validates the individual and promotes ongoing positive interaction. So does asking for someone’s opinion. Both break the tit-for-tat argument cycle and allow co-parents to move from opposition to collaboration. It may take a while to break the cycle of your old approach, but once you do, that's when the real problem-solving can begin.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

The Bonus Family Handbook: The Definitive Guide to Co-Parenting and Creating Stronger Families Hardcover – October 15, 2024

Co-parenting for Dummies. Wiley & Sons, June 2026.

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