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Shutting down in conflict can be protective, not a sign that you don't care.

Conflict can activate old stories about harm, fairness, safety, or whether it's worth staying engaged.

The hard part is noticing when protection starts pulling you out of the relationship.

Apologies in advance to my husband for revealing this terrible secret, but: we argue. And sometimes when we argue, there’s this moment when things just go numb. I can picture it—one second things are red hot, my chest is tight, voices are raised, and I’m making my case, trying to get him to understand me. And then the next moment: nothing. It’s not like I get calm or sad or even resigned. It’s the total absence of feeling. It’s like all the energy I had for this fight (whether it was actually doing any good or not) just teleported to another dimension. I can feel my husband’s frustration in moments like these. He sees me go from engaged to disengaged in a split second. He wants to keep talking, but I’m already gone.

And let me be clear: Shutting down doesn’t feel like a choice in that moment. It’s not a powerful tool that I’ve devised to send all my negative emotions to some cosmic emotional landfill. Like so many of the strategies we learn, numbing out in moments of conflict is a way for me to protect myself. Our........

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