Validation Connects Us |
What Is Emotional Validation?
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Validation is recognizing the kernel of truth in another’s experience.
Chronic invalidation can erode self-trust and emotional regulation.
Recovery involves self-compassion, reflection, and new relational skills.
Evidence-based tools can help you validate yourself and others.
Think back to the last time someone told you you shouldn't feel a certain way, your beliefs are wrong, or you did something bad. That’s invalidation. Invalidation often triggers defensiveness, withdrawal, and self-doubt. Chronic invalidation contributes to difficulties regulating emotions, tolerating distress, and interacting effectively with others (Linehan, 1993; Krause, et al., 2003).
Invalidation between ideologically polarized groups increases polarization. Bar-Tal and Halperin (2020) note that when group members invalidate views of opposing groups (as well as dissenting views within their own group), ideological polarization intensifies, escalating between-group conflicts and hindering political and social reconciliation.
Validation Invites Connection
Validation is a compassionate invitation to connect across our differences. It is the act of recognizing and affirming the reality of someone’s feelings, thoughts, or experience even if you don’t agree with them. As world-renowned validation expert Dr. Marsha Linehan puts it, validation is “finding the kernel of truth in another person’s perspective or situation” (Linehan, 1997).
When you see that someone's emotions are out-of-proportion with the situation, that their perspective is not entirely true or helpful, or that their behavior is causing problems, of course you want to correct this. If you start with validation, you show you are listening and understand. As you build trust and connection, they will be more open to hear your perspective, inviting connection and growth.
Can Validation Help in Extreme Circumstances?
A little validation goes a long way toward calming our physiology, creating emotional safety, and building trust in relationships, even in extreme situations! For example, Kuo et al. (2019) found that teaching mothers of self-injuring adolescents a single session of interpersonal validation significantly reduced both physiological arousal and emotional distress during a conflict discussion, compared to a neutral listening control. This study serves to teach us that even brief validation training when stakes are high can improve connection.
When Positivity Invalidates
Most of us recognize that being negative and dismissive is invalidating (“You’re crazy!” "What's wrong with with you?" "Why are you so needy?" "Can't you just chill?"). But we can also invalidate by being positive and dismissive (“You’re great, why do you have to be so hard on yourself?” "It's all going to work out." "I am sure he didn't mean to hurt you.") or by agreeing with something ultimately harmful (“You are right, you are probably not their top choice.” "You are right, you can be too much.").
Validation acknowledges pain and struggle, while still affirming what is hopeful or helpful (“You did great, and it makes sense you’re still nervous.” "I see why you did that, given what you have been through"). Validation gives someone the gift of being seen and heard, and also leaves room to explore other aspects of the situation. It invites someone to hold paradox.
What Is Emotional Validation?
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Find an expert in emotional validation near me.
Practical Validation Skills (Linehan, 2015)
Pay attention: Listen before you speak. Notice details. Ask open-ended questions (“What happened?” "What's the worst of it?”).
Reflect back: Paraphrase what you hear. “You’re mad because you think I lied—did I get that right?”
Acknowledge feelings: Look for how their feelings make sense given their history or current stressors (“No wonder you feel that way after what you have been through).” If you really can't understand why someone is feeling the way they do, just acknowledge the feeling. ("You are afraid!" "You are mad at me.")
Take action when appropriate: If someone is hurt by something you did, acknowledge it, apologize, and make amends. If someone has an unmet need you can help with, help!
Ask before giving advice or problem-solving: “Would you like my perspective on this?” "Would you like help?"
Intermediate/Advanced:
Voice matters: Let your voice fall at the end of validating statements. Avoid the “but” that tends to keep us from holding two paradoxical truths ("You are angry, but you didn't make your expectations clear." vs "You are angry, and you didn't make your expectations clear.")
Acknowledge missed signals: “This is what you’ve been trying to tell me, and I haven’t been hearing.”
Validate the experience, not just the feeling: “You are devastated. This is a big loss."
Avoid forced positivity: Don’t rush to the bright side ("At least you are not growing up in the 1900s without running water.")
Let go of your agenda: Focus on understanding; if there is a problem that needs fixing, ask to shift focus to problem-solving mode after validating.
Why Do We Resist Validation?
Many of us have internal scripts that warn against validation:
“If I validate, they’ll never change their bad behavior.”
“If I validate, they won’t understand how their thinking is screwed up.”
"If I validate, they won't realize they are overreacting!"
“If I validate, I will be lying.”
“If I validate, they will think I’m wrong and they are right!”
These fears are common; research shows that validation actually reduces defensiveness and opens the door to real change (Dolhanty, et al., 2022).
Recovering from Invalidation
While we can't make people validate us, we can protect ourselves from invalidation in the following ways:
Take space: Step back from the person who invalidated you. Let them know you need time to respond.
Check in with yourself: What are you feeling? What do you need—safety, connection, understanding? Something else?
Self-compassion: Acknowledge your pain; recognize others have experienced this too; give yourself what you need; maybe reach out to someone supportive.
Reflect: Was there any truth in the invalidating remark? Is there something to learn?
Notice patterns: Is this a one-off or a recurring dynamic? Does it echo past experiences? Anything you can learn about your own sensitivities, problematic patterns in this relationship? Trends across your relationships?
Take responsibility: Is there anything you need to own or apologize for?
Seek honest feedback: Talk to someone you trust for perspective.
Sometimes, the harshest invalidation comes from within. In that case, we need to practice validating ourselves!
Identify a time you shamed or harshly criticized yourself.
Notice where you feel it in your body.
Get curious--what is this shaming or critical voice intending to do? Protect you? Fix you? Guilt you? Provide an explanation?
Where did you first hear this message?
Acknowledge any valid motives behind this shaming or self critical message, and tell yourself a kinder, more accurate truth (i.e. "It makes sense I would try to motivate myself this way, given what I learned. Now, I want to move forward giving myself more encouragement and care.")
Bar-Tal, D., & Halperin, E. (2020). A conflict within a conflict: Intragroup ideological polarization and intergroup intractable conflict. Current Opinion in Psychology, 35, 1-5.
Dolhanty, J., Hjemseth, V., Austbø, B., & Vassbø Hagen, A. H. (2022). Emotion-Focused Skills Training for Parents: A Guide for Clinicians. Empty Chair Publisher.
Kaufman, E. A., Puzia, M. E., Godfrey, D. A., & Crowell, S. E. (2020). Physiological and behavioral effects of interpersonal validation: A multilevel approach to examining a core intervention strategy among self-injuring adolescents and their mothers. Journal of clinical psychology, 76(3), 559–580. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.22902
Krause, E. D., Mendelson, T., & Lynch, T. R. (2003). Childhood emotional invalidation and adult psychological distress: The mediating role of emotional inhibition. Child Abuse & Neglect, 27(2), 199-213.
Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.
Linehan, M. M. (1997). Validation and psychotherapy. In A. C. Bohart & L. S. Greenberg (Eds.), Empathy reconsidered: New directions in psychotherapy (pp. 353–392). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/10226-016
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT® skills training manual (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.