As an adult, keeping healthy communication and close relationships going with your parents can be a challenge. You or someone you know is probably struggling with setting boundaries, knowing when to be open/disclosing or when to keep things to yourself, and knowing when you can expect to give or receive comfort.

This is a pervasive issue for many adults from their late 20s through their 60s, and much of it has to do with the normal separation-individuation process and how the attachment “secure base” works. Following is the background, and some specific recommendations:

When you are a child, you depend on your (healthy) parent for comfort and security. When you are out exploring, you inevitably fall down, face obstacles, or get anxious/frightened. In these cases, the healthy child would normally retreat to the “secure base” of the parent. As a secure base, the parent would be (1) consistently available, (2) attuned and responsive, and (3) warm and willing to provide comfort. Once they clearly see your need (validating), comfort you, and then uplift/reassure you, the parent would engage you in a “goal-corrected partnership.” This is where they help you calibrate your goals, strategize new pathways to those goals, and identify what types of support you will need. If your parent did this consistently for you in........

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