Don’t Let the Dating Market Turn You Into a Product |
The Science of Mating
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Dating apps force a dilemma: Stand out fast or show depth and risk being overlooked.
Sexualized profiles made people seem less suitable as long-term partners.
A human, caring bio can soften the downside of sexier photos, but not for everyone.
When my daughter was a teenager, she uploaded a photo of herself in a revealing swimsuit to social media—something many teens do. My parental instincts kicked in, and I asked her to take it down. My concern wasn’t just about the wrong kind of attention (or even predatory audiences). It was also about the message the photo sent: “This is what I have for sale,” when I knew she had so much more to offer.
I shared this concern with a friend, expecting support. Instead, he looked at me like I was overreacting. “She’s attractive, and that’s part of how people get noticed,” my friend said. “Why not use that? Once she gets the attention she wants, she can reveal the deeper, more sophisticated parts of herself.”
Dating app users face the same dilemma every day.
On the one hand, they want to stand out in a brutally competitive dating market. And a sexy photo can do that fast. After all, photos are the gatekeepers of dating apps1: If someone’s profile picture doesn’t catch your eye, swiping left is almost automatic. You may never even get to their personality.
On the other hand, that same strategy may have unintended consequences:
Objectification: Potential partners may see you as a means to fulfill their fantasy rather than a person with thoughts and desires of your own.
Competence bias: They may assume a sexy body is all you have to offer, perceiving you as less intelligent or interesting than you really are.
The “short-term” trap: They may assume you aren’t “marriage material,” either because they think you only want sex, or because they think you’re “fun for now” but not someone to bring home........