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Boys experience emotions deeply, often with limited skills to manage them.

Our culture often impairs the growth of critical “softer” emotions.

Parents who understand struggles facing boys today can prepare them to cope well emotionally.

From their rich experiences of counseling boys, Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson, in their classic book, Raising Cain, share guidance that can help parents, particularly trauma survivors who did not see good parenting modeled in their homes.

They declare that boys are deeply hurt by our culture’s destructive emotional training, and all of them need help. They note that boys feel as much emotion as girls, but tend to show less emotion, and do less well at managing emotions related to their struggles. They describe the following struggles to be aware of.

School and Gender Differences

Boys are more likely than girls to struggle in the classroom: Boys develop comparatively more slowly in language and cognitive skills. Their tendency to be more active, physical, and impulsive—which may stem from difficulty verbalizing feelings and a cultural prohibition of talking about feelings—can attract unpleasant discipline. Physical activity at recess might let off steam but not get to the root of emotional troubles. The early years, then, can lead to dislike of school and long-lasting feelings of inferiority.

Parents can reassure boys that performance doesn’t equal worth as a person, and that they’ll likely catch up with girls over time, at their own pace. Parents can have comfortable discussions about what boys feel and that their emotions are part of being human.

Boys are more likely to be physically punished and verbally intimidated, even by non-abusive parents, especially when parents are stressed or tired. Parents’ excessive anger can imprint strongly in the developing brain of boys, leading to shame, the inability to express emotions appropriately, and the likelihood of repeating parents’ anger with their own children.

As they develop, boys need to feel competent and trusted by their parents. Parents can, with love and respect, provide guidance, structure, and limits (for example, regarding sleep and chores) that help boys channel their energies constructively. Parents might also respectfully ask boys for input regarding their own problems.

Sports and the Culture of Meanness

Sports can be a mixed bag. Boys tend to like the structure and uncomplicated rules of athletics. Sports can cultivate strengths like persistence, physical courage, and teamwork, but not necessarily tender emotions like empathy and kindness that will be needed in more complicated male/female relationships. Athletic males typically have little trouble attracting female interest without having to grow these softer emotions. This might leave them less equipped to succeed in intmate relationshlips as adults. Sports can also contribute to the culture of meanness.

Boys are striving to become men. Often that goal is narrowly defined by the media as big, strong, good-looking, and aggressive. Boys who fall short of this goal are often looked down upon as weak and worthless, and subjected to cruel teasing, pranks, or worse from other boys. Why? Often boys live in fear of measuring up to an impossible standard. Not feeling secure and at peace with who they are, they try to feel strong by dominating others. They might fear rejection by their peers if they reveal their vulnerabilities or show tender emotions. So they turn on those who are weaker to show they are strong.

Parents can explain to boys that strength, self-confidence, and being the best version of themselves are important. They can help boys see value in themselves and in all types of people, each one possessing a unique mix of strengths and weaknesses. They can fortify boys with empathy and awareness of people’s suffering, which makes them less likely to hurt others—or be hurt by taunting from others.

What's a Parent's Role?

Take our Authoritative Parenting Test

Find a family therapist near me

Males yearn for the love and regard of their fathers, no matter how far removed they are by distance or age. Men often report wishing their fathers had been more emotionally close. Boys watch their fathers at home and on the playing fields to learn how to manage emotions and mistakes. They need to know their fathers love them even in their imperfections, that they’ll listen to their views and comfort them in their distress. Fathers can tell boys they love and value them; they can enjoy activities with them, such as friendly competition (followed by a loving hug), fixing things, talking while tossing a football, shopping for weekend food, and enjoying rituals. When fathers are warmly, emotionally involved, the boys are likely to be more resilient.

Boys “never lose their need to be understood and loved” by their mother. Even as boys assert their need for autonomy and test limits as they develop, mothers especially are boys’ safe haven. While understanding boys’ needs to break away, wise mothers let boys know they love and trust them and think they’re competent. They are not afraid to set and enforce appropriate limits. They’ll talk with boys about their fears, and show appropriate physical affection and touch. They also understand that criticizing the father is implicitly criticizing the son.

Early Physical Maturation

Boys today reach puberty around age 12, years earlier than boys in previous centuries, but they’re not maturing emotionally that early. They struggle to deal with emotional complexities like parents’ absence from the home due to job demands, breakups with girlfriends, and the lure of drugs to immediately relieve anxiety and feel powerful. Parents can support them through their trials.

The Complexities of Romance

Boys want love; they want to be manly and sexually competent. Some boys are comfortable in this developmental journey, having seen loving parents and feeling confident that they’ll do fine. For others, relationships are frightening. Having grown up in the isolating digital culture, they don’t know how to relate, feel excessively awkward about relationships, and fear rejection.

Some boys don’t want to lose their friends to dating, so they pressure them to avoid dating. Others use sex in a heartless way. Our culture and media make some boys feel entitled to exploit women sexually, without any emotional connection or commitment. The authors note that girls tend to be more emotionally vulnerable and likely to believe it when boys profess love and reassure them that they’ll still love them after sex.

Parents can teach boys that joy “comes from a loving relationship, without hurting others along the way.” Parents can explore with boys what makes physical intimacy special, and whether or not they are ready for the ups and downs of dating—or would prefer to wait until they are.

A young person’s first experiences with sex can color how they view and experience sex throughout life. In trying to learn about their sexuality, boys might fall into unhealthy patterns that do not serve them or others well. For example, after being rejected, some boys become cynical and sexually exploitive as a form of self-projection. (Others might simply avoid dating for fear of rejection.) Some popular athletes might feel entitled to use females sexually.

Parents can help boys understand that sexual intimacy with love and commitment is beautiful and worth waiting for. They can explore with boys what will make their first time special, and how exploitive sex without love can harm both parties. They can train boys to be empathetic; good fathers can model respectful treatment of their partners.

Boys often lash out when mistreated in childhood without realizing the degree or source of their anger. Often anger is an attempt to self-protect against fear of not measuring up, feeling unloved, shame, or the scars of betrayal. The authors state: “If we can get a boy talking, it raises his anger to the conscious level…[where] it loses some of its power. If you can get a boy to figure out what …he’s mad about then he’s in a position to begin to change the destructive pattern of responses in his life.” Supportive parents facilitate this process.

Kindlon, D., & Thompson, M. (2000). Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys. New York: Ballantine.

Schiraldi, G. R. (2021). The Adverse Childhood Experiences Recovery Workbook. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.

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