What Is Post-Traumatic Growth?

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Defining ourselves by a painful event can provide a simple explanation for a complicated situation.

The challenge comes when the wound becomes our identity, and we don’t work to heal.

Finding meaning can turn your worst chapter into a first chapter.

Life wounds each of us. No one is exempt. While we don’t choose our hardships, we do get to choose whether they become our identity.

A decade ago, I was mired in pain after an avalanche of traumatizing revelations upended my three-decade marriage. As I walked away from it, I had a choice to make. I could surrender to the narrative that my life had been shattered by forces beyond my control and wallow in the muck of how badly I had been wronged—true by any measure. Or I could choose to feel the burn, rail, cry, grieve what was lost, dust myself off, and then mine the wreckage for life lessons, dark humor, and the possibility of new chapters.

We each have that choice when confronted with cataclysmic events. I chose not to see myself as powerless and allow someone else’s actions to define my life story. Instead, I focused on what remained within my control and began crafting a new story to make sense of the chaos.

We all know someone whose identity is rooted in a past wound. Their identity becomes tangled in painful experiences inflicted by others or shaped by bad luck. They view life as something that happened to them rather than something shaped through their choices.

Some remain trapped in that narrative for years, allowing past events to diminish their joy and shape their present. Others who have faced similar circumstances work to find their way out of the maze. What accounts for this difference?

Researchers have several theories. First, for some, defining ourselves by a painful event can provide a simple explanation for a complicated situation. It spares us from probing difficult questions about what we can learn or change. Second, it offers certainty. The story is clear: Someone did us wrong, and we suffer the consequences. Third, suffering often draws support and sympathy: Friends check in, validate our pain, and bring soup, all of which is deeply........

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