During interviews and discussions with people who are estranged from family members, I’ve often recognized a specific pattern of behavior: Many don’t see what’s right in front of them – plain and obvious to anyone but themselves.
For years, they have been wearing blinders, refusing to see events or realities that may have threatened their sense of security or attachment in a relationship. As a result, they are blindsided by difficulties that develop from ignoring problematic behavior in the relationship. When they finally open their eyes and begin to examine the clues they overlooked, they find themselves in a state of shock, fear, anger and pain.
Some of the estranged have said:
Essentially, those quoted here have created a coping or survival mechanism in which they unconsciously filter information, preventing themselves from acknowledging troubling patterns and problems in their relationships. They simply don’t connect the dots. Instead, they look away or keep their blinders on to protect themselves from information that would create chaos, confusion, fear, and suffering. This allows them to sustain their bond with a crucial person whom they depend upon for physical and psychological safety.
In the past, this type of behavior has been labeled as “denial.” But........