An emotionally unavailable parent desires control, not closeness. They are “walled off” emotionally and cannot offer the important relational things that a parent who is emotionally available can, like empathy, active listening, and the willingness to consider your perspective for a moment to gain a deeper understanding of you. Because they lack these capabilities, and do not realize it, they tend to only feel “close” to you only when they have control. Without recognizing it, they condition you to do what they want, so they feel good in the relationship.

Basically, if you think and feel like they do, they tend to feel secure in the relationship and close to you. If you disagree with them, they misinterpret this as rejection and withdraw from you or admonish you. It is both difficult and distressing because you are unable to be yourself around them if you wish to maintain their approval and love. Censoring how you feel and hiding aspects of your life results in you feeling shame that is unwarranted. After a while, this usually causes resentment. You spend time stewing and worrying about getting their validation instead of feeling content with who you are.

The first step to figuring out how to cope with this type of relationship is to identify if your parent is emotionally unavailable. Four tendencies signify that you are the adult child of a parent who lacks healthy relational abilities.

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