Unwanted emotions have long been a source of deep shame. Not only is it our natural inclination to run from them, but society also reinforces this stigma. We've received direct messages that they signify weakness and vulnerability: “Don’t let them see you cry or they will take advantage of you.” Societal norms further dictate which emotions are acceptable, often influenced by gender—boys shouldn't cry, girls shouldn't get angry—leading us to believe that certain emotions are shameful or off-limits to us. Some messages about emotions are more subtle, yet still detrimental. Growing up, I was told I could control my emotions, that “no one could make you feel bad; that’s your choice.” But I found that I didn’t have such control and the emotions only grew stronger.

We often judge ourselves harshly for not being able to eliminate unwanted emotions, adding layers of shame to our discomfort. As a result, we feel bad about feeling bad, creating a downward spiral of self-criticism: “Why can’t I get over this? Why can’t I be stronger? What’s wrong with me?”

Learning to interpret our emotions through the lens of our values can help us understand and justify our feelings, reducing negative self-judgment and fostering self-compassion. Our emotions are a reflection of our values and there is no shame in having strongly held values. (For more on decoding emotions, see my previous post.)

For example, if we are distraught over losing a friend, instead of berating ourselves for being “soft,” we might say, “Of course........

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