A Classmate Has Died—How Do I Talk About It With My Child? |
What's a Parent's Role?
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Supporting your child as they learn their peer died is very difficult emotionally for a child and a parent.
A parent does best when they work through their own reactions before they tell their child.
A reflective parent who has sorted out their emotions is in the best position to offer comfort to a child.
Timmy, 9 years old, came home from school very upset. A schoolmate had told him that their friend’s brother had been in a car accident and had been killed. Jeanine, Timmy’s mom, tried to comfort her son, but he didn’t seem to want to talk about it, as he ran up to his room and closed the door.
Unfortunately, this scenario is one many parents will have to contend with during their child’s growing-up years. Your child may lose a classmate or a friend from a scout troop may have lost a sibling or a parent of a friend has died. Helping children through whatever they are experiencing—whether it is a close heartfelt loss or a sense of sympathy for a friend or a memory of an earlier personal loss—is a tough task for any parent. It can set your mind reeling. There is no script writer telling you what to say or how to say it.
How to begin to help?
Help begins with conversation. The overarching principle in providing your child with help in this kind of situation is to remember that this is not a one-time conversation. You are creating an opportunity for the two of you to begin a series of conversations and you will both have many opportunities to go over this new, unfamiliar, and uncomfortable experience together. In some ways, this can take the pressure off of you both. If you later think you could have said something in a better way, you will have a chance to revisit your thought in the next conversation. If your child doesn’t feel like talking today when you try to open up the conversation, they may be more receptive next go-round tomorrow.
Your main goal is to receive from your child what they can share and to help them express the thoughts and feelings that arise. It is an interaction between the two of you. There is no Band-Aid for this experience, but talking together can provide a healing balm.
The first step is to work out how you are feeling. How has this news impacted you? What does it bring up from your own history? It is most important that you be able to pick up how your child is feeling and not be blocked by your own feelings. You two may not feel the same way. By taking the time to examine your own thoughts and feelings, you make sure you are not projecting onto your child what you yourself feel. You must allow room for the two of you to have different reactions.
One way to ensure this is to provide yourself with some private time and a private place to identify and work out your feelings. It is fine, sometimes even helpful, to share and model how to handle your small feelings, but you want to deal privately with your big feelings. You don't want to flood your child with your feelings, which can be scary for children. And you do not want to end up with your child taking care of you.
After you have settled yourself, begin to talk with your child. Pick a quiet, private time to begin a conversation. Make sure it is free from distractions. Your child may have told you already. They may have been quiet, even though they know that you know. It is not unusual to not want to talk. On the other hand, some kids may just come out with it. You know your child's style. Gently go with it.
Listen carefully and gently ask questions aimed at helping your child to say more, to elaborate and fill in all the details that come to mind. What is the narrative your child develops? In doing this, you are providing three important things. First, you are helping your child to express difficult feelings. So ask questions. Clarify uncertainty. There is enormous relief that can come from this. Second, you are helping your child face what is feared and dreaded. It is not unusual that a person will start to entertain thoughts and feelings about losing their own parent or sibling. Personal associations and memories of loss in their own lives may be brought to the fore. People who have died and people who are ill can come to mind very quickly. This is normal. Interestingly, this contributes to the development of resilience and the ability to face very difficult things in life. Third, you are reassuring your child of your ongoing support. Leave the conversation with the idea that they can come back to it whenever they or you want. Then let it be and see how they respond.
How is my child doing?
Signs to look for to check on how your child is handling this loss come down to observing any changes in your child. You can expect some changes to occur over the short term. Changes in mood and manner can occur. Children may become quieter or withdrawn. There may be changes in appetite or sleep patterns. But over time, they should come back to their ordinary eating and sleeping routines; moods should stabilize and return to normal.
What's a Parent's Role?
Take our Authoritative Parenting Test
Find a family therapist near me
Your child may want to know what they can do to support their friend. When a school, a church, or a scouting troop helps children stand together and be with each other in the face of sadness, it is most constructive. How you as a family reach out and support others directly is important to teach at this moment. Children like to know what they can do to make a difference.
There is no right or wrong answer when the answer is coming from your heart. At moments like this, children can become very threatened by feeling they could lose their parent or sibling. Parents have the hard experience of watching their child being upset and going through difficulty. Sometimes there can be a tendency to protect your child that can often come down to wanting to avoid having to deal with such feelings yourself. That is why it is important to settle yourself and identify your own feelings early on. If death is an inevitable part of life, then talking about death has to be an inevitable part of parenting. The best way to face up to this on behalf of your child is to go through it together. Remember, the best antidote to loss is togetherness.
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