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Your child telling you they hate you is a normal and inevitable part of growing up and parenting.

Parents often report feeling hurt when hearing this. It is important to work through emotional reactions.

When clear on your own emotions, you can much more constructively respond to your child's feelings and needs.

What does it mean when your child says this? What do you do about it?

At the end of a busy weekend filled with tumultuous moments that included screaming, Jackie found herself carefully considering if she should impose the usual Sunday-night limits on 14-year-old Erin. Just letting it go in order to maintain the peace seemed very appealing. She was tired of the explosions and the tension. Ultimately, Jackie decided to relax the time a little, but still when she told Erin it was time to surrender the phone and get into bed, her daughter began screaming at her again. Before a heartbroken Jackie could find the door, it seemed like Erin was hurling “I hate you”s with every breath. Only the closed door between them could quiet her yells.

How to think about it

Thinking about “I hate you”s in a literal sense can take a parent into a very dark personal space where you accept the statement at face value and take it to heart, which can be exceedingly painful. Hopefully, though, it triggers off a more reflective process where you can identify exactly what you are thinking about the mean-spirited barrage and how you are feeling. If you can see it as a natural or inevitable part of parenting, a teenage onslaught expressing frustration at parental limit-setting and control, continue on. If it........

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