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Surprises are not within our control.

Adopting a "surprise mindset" can help you face both the positive and negative effects of the surprise.

Knowing that you will face multiple surprises in your future can help you live more meaningfully today.

Life is a series of surprises! Last weekend, we received a surprise text from a cousin who was in town with his family to visit his grandmother, asking if we would like to join them. We texted back, yes! The day evolved from receiving this surprise text to spending a very joyful and meaningful afternoon with his 98 year old grandmother (his children’s great grandmother!). Later, I reflected on the consequences of welcoming the unexpected and how I have reacted to the many surprises I have encountered in my life.

A surprise is something unexpected, and to be surprised is our emotional reaction to this unexpected event. The process can evolve from the surprise, to a period of uncertainty or confusion, and then to our reaction such as joy (in the positive) or anger or fear (in the negative). Surprises can happen:

When something happens that we did not expect When something happens but it did not happen the way we thought it would happen (perhaps with different timing, different people, or different circumstances.) When something happens we never in our wildest dreams thought might happen which challenges our world view or our view of how we or others were living their lives When we expected something to happen, but it did not

When something happens that we did not expect

When something happens but it did not happen the way we thought it would happen (perhaps with different timing, different people, or different circumstances.)

When something happens we never in our wildest dreams thought might happen which challenges our world view or our view of how we or others were living their lives

When we expected something to happen, but it did not

Reacting to Surprises

It is interesting that we welcome surprises when watching movies or listening to comedians but in daily life, we might not welcome surprises, especially those that might upset our routine or stretch our comfort zones.

There are many reactions we can have to surprises and their impacts on us:

With positive surprises, we may feel intense feelings of happiness and may feel more connected with the other person providing the surprise. With negative surprises, we may feel intense feelings of anger, disappointment, or anxiety. We may feel that we do not know how we really feel or should react in the moment. We may feel increased stress due to our perceived loss of control over the situation or its impact on our future.

With positive surprises, we may feel intense feelings of happiness and may feel more connected with the other person providing the surprise.

With negative surprises, we may feel intense feelings of anger, disappointment, or anxiety. We may feel that we do not know how we really feel or should react in the moment. We may feel increased stress due to our perceived loss of control over the situation or its impact on our future.

In essence, there are two parts to the surprise: (1) the surprise itself and (2) our reaction to the surprise.

As we can not control all events in our lives nor can we control other people, we need to shift our focus to raising our awareness of our reactions and learn how we can manage our reactions in the best way possible.

The Surprise Mindset is a mental attitude that you can develop to encourage yourself to be open to new, unexpected experiences and, importantly, to find deeper meaning in those experiences. Consider the following 3 steps (especially when confronting potentially negative surprises and the need to build resilience to adapt to them):

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Heraclitus, an ancient Greek philosopher, wisely suggested that we should "expect the unexpected."1 We can prepare by expecting surprises as well as practicing our answers to "what if" scenarios, such as: what if they host a surprise birthday party for me; what if I get the new job; what if I receive unexpected news that I have a serious illness; what if my job changes quickly or is eliminated; what if I lose access to my money or my food supplies; what if a war breaks out in my country; what if my relationship ends…?

Immediate Reaction to a Surprise

Practicing and building our resilience are important, but how we react when faced with a surprise is very important. In many instances, we may overreact to the surprise, assuming the impact is worse than it turns out to be. It is important to take the time to put the surprise in context. Phrases such as… this too will pass, we have been through this before, it’s not as bad as other things…can help to reduce your stress level and build your resilience.

Finding the Deeper Meaning

Focus on the deeper meaning of the surprise. In the larger picture, remind yourself of what brings you joy, what your priorities are, and what you really need to live a simpler, more meaningful life.

Surprises are an integral part of life. But having control over them is an illusion. Many elements of the future are unpredictable-- inflation, job security, freedom to travel, relationships, financial situations etc.. Surprises will happen, both in your own life and in the greater world, that push you out of your comfort zone. But surprises will also give you the opportunity for personal growth and to find deeper meaning. Importantly, it is this connection to meaning that will sustain you and guide you through the next surprise and the next crisis. So now is the time to build resilience because more surprises are on their way.

1. For more on the application of Greek philosophy to the search for meaning, including the ageless wisdom of Heraclitus, see: Pattakos, A., and Dundon, E. (2015). The OPA! Way: Finding Joy & Meaning in Everyday Life & Work. Dallas, TX: BenBella Books.

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