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Eamon Dolan writes about family estrangement, redefining family, and ending cycles of abuse.

Dolan challenges the idea that estrangement stems from selfishness or impulsivity.

Estrangement is often the last resort after years of trying to make the relationship work.

I had the pleasure of sitting down with Eamon Dolan to discuss his book, The Power of Parting, and to explore how he is redefining estrangement and breaking cycles of abuse.

We first reflected on the scenario in which someone who is no longer in contact with their relatives is asked about them. They may hesitate, shrug, or begin to stutter, unsure how to respond. The other person may assume death and offer condolences, unintentionally steering the conversation further down an awkward path. The disclosure of having cut ties with one’s family is often met with silence, the kind that comes after a glass shattering. Forks pause mid-air. Conversations stall. Heads turn, and eyes widen. For a split second, the entire room recalibrates around what was just said.

We are culturally fluent in reconciliation arcs. We love the swelling soundtrack, the hospital bedside apology, the tearful wedding toast. We are uncomfortable with the less cinematic version of the story: the adult child who decides to end the cycle of abuse and chooses separation from their relatives.

In The Power of Parting, Dolan pushes against the persistent cultural myth that adults who step back from family are self-centered, dramatic, or unstable.

“There’s this idea that the people who estrange are selfish or impulsive or chaotic when really it’s exactly the opposite. We're stepping away from people who are selfish, impulsive, or chaotic. We’re trying to get away from toxic dynamics,” Dolan says.

As a trauma therapist, I witness clients attempting repair at all costs, explaining, forgiving, minimizing, people-pleasing, and tolerating. They endure holidays, phone calls, off-kilter comments, drunken rants, and weepy non-apologies, while desperately trying to be less sensitive and less reactive.

Children are wired to preserve attachment because their survival depends on their caregivers. When parental figures who are supposed to be the source of love become the source of fear, it is more adaptive for a child’s developing brain to assume I deserve this than to confront the reality that their parents cannot care for them safely (Balan, 2023).

This narrative is often reinforced by messages such as You’re being bad or It hurts me more than you.

The tragedy is that self-blame outlives childhood.

Decades later, adults sit in therapy offices still asking: Am I overreacting? Was it really abuse?

For adult survivors of childhood maltreatment, estrangement is most often the last move. By the time they step away, they have exhausted all other options.

“What estrangement means to me,” Dolan says, “is finding the right distance between you and this difficult person. And this is going to look different for everyone.”

The Forgiveness Mandate

Perhaps the most radical aspect of The Power of Parting is its rejection of the idea that healing must culminate in reconciliation or reunion.

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“There’s still a persistent bias in favor of maintaining family ties no matter what,” Dolan says.

A fundamental part of trauma work is to identify and protect the younger parts of ourselves (Balan, 2023). Pressure to forgive can feel like siding against that child in the name of social conformity. Many clinicians still operate under the assumption that letting go and moving on is the goal of recovery. Dolan notes that this framework can retraumatize survivors. “You wouldn’t accept abusive behavior from friends. Why wouldn't relatives be subjected to the same standard?”

This isn’t an argument against those who genuinely arrive at healthier ways of relating. Though uncommon in abusive systems, accountability and meaningful change can occur. In those cases, reconciliation may unfold organically.

In The Power of Parting, Dolan resists the idea that forgiveness is morally superior or a prerequisite for healing. “The notion that we should pardon our abusers without any evidence of actual behavioral change just reinforces the status quo. It lets the people who do us wrong off the hook.”

Recovery may instead require acknowledging that the abuse happened, recognizing that it was not your fault, and coming to terms with the reality that the person who hurt you may never change.

Dolan challenges the pedestal on which the nuclear family sits, noting that historically, most societies were organized around extended kinship systems. We are expected to love our parents as a moral obligation, often granting them immunity from the harm they may cause. Narratives such as you only have one mother suggest that biology alone entitles someone to lifelong access. However, carrying someone’s DNA does not and should not give them the right to hurt us.

Familial bonds, he argues, should be measured by presence, love, accountability, and the ability to create safety.

Dolan cautions against assuming that toxic family members will respond in compassionate or constructive ways. “Abusive relatives are not like most people,” he says, noting that the usual expectations of self-reflection and remorse seen among emotionally healthy people may not apply.

For survivors, chosen family can be profoundly corrective. A friend who shows up consistently, a partner who genuinely listens, a sibling who believed you, a teacher who takes you under their wing, a neighbor who invites you over for holiday dinner—all can be life-changing sources of support and alliance.

“One person that loved me the way I was,” as Dolan said of his brother, can buffer enormous harm. Secure attachment develops when someone sees you and makes space for your pain. That experience can interrupt a lifelong belief of being damaged.

The Unromantic Ending

While estrangement feels like a relatively new conversation, Dolan argues that it has likely existed silently across generations. For many immigrant families, migration itself created separation. Crossing oceans required no formal declaration. The decision to leave an abusive cycle could easily hide behind geographic barriers.

Today, with instant communication, withdrawal is harder to disguise. FaceTime across continents makes unanswered calls a deliberate choice. What previous generations could leave unnamed, this generation must define.

Choosing distance can be a form of self-preservation. When someone has lived in a state of hyperarousal for years, space becomes a way to breathe again. Safety may demand redefining the terms of a relationship, or it may mean limited or no contact.

What often goes unseen are the decades before the break: the attempts at repair, the careful, measured conversations that felt like walking on eggshells, the boundaries set and reset, and the therapy sessions spent rehearsing how to say it one more time, hoping it might finally land.

Healing from complex trauma is a gradual process that unfolds through repeated experiences of being witnessed, learning to regulate emotions, and integrating past experiences into a coherent sense of self.

We glorify family loyalty despite its complexities and dismiss the psychic pain it costs to reach the point of cutting off ties. Too frequently, people are subjected to comments that add salt to the wound, warnings that they will regret it one day, or reminders that we only get one set of parents. A more attuned response would recognize the gravity of such a choice and the courage, grace, and strength it takes to protect oneself by stepping away.

Balan, D (2023). Re-Write: A Trauma Workbook of Creative Writing and Recovery in Our New Normal. Routledge.

Balan, D. (2024). Confidently Chill: An Anxiety Workbook for New Adults. Routledge.

Dolan, E. (2025). The power of parting: Finding peace and freedom through family estrangement. G. P. Putnam’s Sons.

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