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In a culture where death is still taboo and mostly happens behind closed doors, how can we best grieve?

Grief rituals can be practiced alone or with others, created uniquely by you or replicated over centuries.

Coping with the death of a loved one is individual and, like anything else, exemplified by what works for you.

We’ve come a long way in understanding grief and bereavement. We used to think people experiencing a dead loved one’s presence or hearing their voice soon after death were hallucinating, and there was something wrong with them. Now, we call this “continuing bonds” (CBs) and know it’s a normal and healthy relationship with the deceased—long after they’ve died.

We have much to learn: We know CBs exist, but we don’t know if some CBs are more helpful than others. We know people worldwide practice funeral customs and rituals involving the dead (visiting the grave, marking the birthday or anniversary of death, listening to music the loved one enjoyed, lighting candles, writing letters, and so forth). But we’re just beginning to learn whether and how these rituals help.

Two recent studies expand our knowledge of CBs but are only a beginning. These are highlights:

Those who lose a child or partner seem to need and use after-death rituals more than those who lose a parent or other loved one. This makes sense, as those grieving a child or partner may have a greater attachment to those closest of relationships.

Those who lost a loved one (perhaps prematurely) to illness—vs. loss due to advanced age, for example—also utilized more post-death rituals to help cope.

Out of a Dutch sample of over 550 participants, 85% participated in individual rituals (e.g., lighting a candle at home, visiting the grave) in the three years after their loved one’s death. Over 50% participated in group rituals, such as memorial services or sharing stories of the deceased.

Post-death rituals facilitate coping, adjustment, and recovery from loss. But taken to an extreme, they can also signal prolonged grief, a disorder of unabating grief that interferes with functioning long past a loved one’s death. (Fortunately, prolonged grief is treatable. If this is you, reach out; help is available and it works.)

Individual rituals that help the bereaved cope are as varied as the bereaved themselves: letters, candles, art; visiting the grave or area where ashes were scattered; wearing something that was the deceased’s; music or movies they loved, visiting their favorite restaurant, store, or nature site; and on and on.

Collective rituals vary too, from memorial services to celebrations of life; sharing stories of the loved one to celebrating their birthday with others. Additionally, reaching out to grief specialists or groups, or reading about grief and bereavement, are also standard ways the bereaved access help and healing.

Any ritual you create can help develop continuing bonds—your new, internalized relationship with a deceased loved one; a practice of humans since time immemorial. These rituals help you, over time, assimilate and fathom the unfathomable—that someone who enriched your life in many ways no longer exists in human form. Yet they are still alive within, and keeping them alive with CBs not only provides comfort, but also allows us to evolve and grow, creating new meaning and a transformed relationship to the deceased. And that… can last a lifetime.

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Mitima-Verloop HB, Mooren TTM, Boelen PA. Facilitating grief: An exploration of the function of funerals and rituals in relation to grief reactions. Death Stud. 2021;45(9):735-745. doi: 10.1080/07481187.2019.1686090. Epub 2019 Nov 11. PMID: 31710282.

Hewson, H., Galbraith, N., Jones, C., & Heath, G. (2024). The impact of continuing bonds following bereavement: A systematic review. Death Studies, 48(10), 1001–1014. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2023.2223593

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