What Does "Self Help" Mean?

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We may feel helpless to move the needle in our fractured culture.

While we can’t change others, we can exude caring out and into the world.

In time, compassion radiated outward changes ourselves—and others as well.

Polarization is everywhere; we know we need to talk and listen to one another, understand alternate perspectives, and consider viewpoints beyond our own. But it’s almost as though we expect the other (person, group, faction, party) to do this, while we remain exempt. We’re right, after all. If only “they” would see our point of view.

We may go days, weeks, or years without “third spaces”—the old village square, water cooler, or community dance shared by all—and nary have reason to talk to those with differing opinions.

As silos grow, we start imagining others as villains and rarely, if ever, consider our common humanity: they love their children as much as we do ours; they value safety, warmth, and comfort, just like we do; they can be kind to neighbors and pets just as we try to be.

Resentments grow like weeds, and what to do? Just breathe. Not just any breath. We can flip the script and breathe fresh, simple compassion.

Kristen Neff, Ph.D., developed the concept and practice of self-compassion decades ago, and she offers a simple breath of kindness toward ourselves and others. Self-compassion is evidence-based and shown to improve well-being, resilience, relationships, sleep, and more, while decreasing anxiety, depression, stress, and suffering.

This simple breath can be used anytime, connecting us to caring for ourselves as well as others. Here’s how:

Pause a moment and send attention to your breath. Every time you breathe in, feel kindness for yourself. Place your hand over your heart if you like, and breathe in care. You might offer yourself affirmations as you breathe in: “I’m doing the best I can.” “It’s OK.” “I’m connected to others even if I don’t always feel it.” Whatever you like that offers yourself kindness and understanding. You can imagine your lungs and body filling with a calm, softly imbued, healing color if you like.

After several breaths sending compassion to yourself with each inhale, you can focus on someone else during your exhale. Someone you love, someone you can easily direct kindness toward. Breathe in directing compassion to yourself, breathe out directing compassion to the other. Slow and steady. Do this as long (or as little) as you like. Even a few breaths like this can alter your sense of well-being and how you move in the world.

Mix this up as you need to: breathe in and out focusing on kindness and care just toward yourself, or use both in- and out-breaths directing kindness toward another. Any variation you like or need will do.

Doing this breath for even one minute per day, several times a week is so simple you’ll quickly become adept. And as you’re ready, you can direct kindness toward someone harder to love, someone (or a group) you may have conflict with, or even someone you’ve never met. You might add affirmations again; this other is doing the best they can, they deserve kindness, they have fears and deserve peace too—whatever caring thoughts or feelings you can muster.

Neff originally developed this compassion-in, compassion-out breath (similar to Buddhism’s lovingkindness, or Metta, meditation) for caregivers struggling with the difficult, sometimes relentless nature of caregiving. Then, Neff expanded the breathing technique to anyone. It helps us reap benefits of self-compassion for ourselves, of which there are so many, and helps decrease the corrosive burden of resentments or hostilities within. We connect, even for a moment, with our common humanity, moving the needle of understanding to help create the change we wish to see.

Compassion: It’s free, limitless, and there for us, anytime. As easy as breathing in, breathing out.

What Does "Self Help" Mean?

Take our Self-Esteem Test

Find a therapist near me

Karen Bluth & Kristin D. Neff (2018): New frontiers in understanding the benefits of self-compassion, Self and Identity, DOI: 10.1080/15298868.2018.1508494

Zessin U, Dickhäuser O, Garbade S. The Relationship Between Self-Compassion and Well-Being: A Meta-Analysis. Appl Psychol Health Well Being. 2015 Nov;7(3):340-64. doi: 10.1111/aphw.12051. Epub 2015 Aug 26. PMID: 26311196.

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