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All across the country, college-bound high-school seniors and their parents are stressed about the decision of where to go. As a college professor for over thirty years and the author of a new book about finding success in college, I see a pattern in the ambivalence and am here to offer some answers to help both students and their parents make the best decisions possible. First, let’s look at some common scenarios:

1. My daughter was accepted by a few schools and denied admissions by a few others. She thought she knew her favorite. We were so excited and surprised when she got into her reach school. Now, we’re weighing issues of prestige and ranking against where she thought she felt the best vibe.

Surely it feels good and validating to be accepted somewhere that seemed like a reach, but that doesn’t mean one has to say yes. The decision of where to go to college is also an opportunity for a young person to get in touch with their own innermost dreams and visions for their future and to rely on and trust their own gut instinct. Going to the college where they feel a connection and vibe is every bit as important as the name brand of a school. It’s also crucial to remember that some schools have come into vogue in the past five to ten years that weren’t as widely known and well-regarded before. It may turn out that you’re headed to the school that is next to be up-and-coming.

2. My son has struggled in high school but when he saw his brother go off to college two years ago, he got more motivated and since then has pulled up his grades. He still has a very average GPA. He was accepted outright to several less selective state universities and to the flagship campus of a reasonably strong state system but not one that has seen an intense surge in applicants. And he received conditional acceptances from a few more highly ranked colleges but these require him to either study abroad his first semester at one of the places, be deferred until next semester at another, or be placed in a provisional program with others in the same situation and he would be prevented from things like Greek life until he makes the final cut. We’re torn with what’s the best option.

The best analogy to this is dating. Steady Eddy or Steady Betty, who calls us when they say they will, tells us they like us, and communicates clearly that they want to spend time with us is too often the one we look past. Somehow, the one we have a crush on, the one that plays harder to get, the one that seems out of our league, the one who is elusive and gives mixed signals is the one we too often lust after, and yet we fantasize about having a future with this person. It’s really okay to go to the college that gives you a straight-up yes, no strings attached, and sends the clear message that your success is not contingent on doing something else and that you don’t have to prove anything further.

3. I was totally hoping my daughter would choose a particular college because I truly believe she would do better there and like it more. She’s insistent that she wants a different place. I know this has to be her choice but what should I do?

Ask your child what they see in this place that you don’t, and also ask what they’re not feeling about the one you prefer. Have them make pro and con lists; perhaps you can even each make these and talk about them, exploring each other’s perspectives. Your child may intuit something that really makes sense for them about their first choice. And if in the end, they go and decide later that maybe you were right, they can apply to transfer. It’s not the end of the world.

4. Now that we are juggling acceptance letters, things look very different than they did when my son was just talking about schools and considering where to apply. I’m realizing now that there’s no way to afford a few of the places he’s dreaming about.

It’s important to be frank, to let your child know what’s doable and what’s not and what the alternatives may be in terms of your child assuming a part-time job, taking out a small loan, or going to a community college or other nearby school and transferring later.

5. My daughter applied to 29 colleges and now has 27 choices. How do I guide her?

The time to guide her was to steer her away from applying to this many! It’s excessive and unnecessary, often based on poor advising, a lack of confidence in oneself, a misguided self-assessment of one’s performance vis-à-vis actual fit, or narcissism. When someone applies to this many, it’s a bit like hoarding and takes spots from people who want that school in earnest. Help your child whittle it down to a handful of realistic choices.

Why Education Is Important

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6. My son has ADHD, and I cannot imagine how he’ll manage in college. He alternates between seeming like he wants to go and acting out in ways that show he’s scared.

Have honest conversations that illustrate a variety of robust and fulfilling alternatives. Consider programs over the summer that are geared to support executive functioning and that bolster a student’s chance at success.

7. My daughter has narrowed her choices down to four and each one is very strong yet so very different.

Have your child make pro and con lists. Have them take a sheet of paper and divide it into four quadrants, one for each school, and write down the key words that characterize each school and location and see where they gravitate.

8. We’ve gotten feedback from my son’s grandparents and family friends and have posted on various parent pages on Facebook to seek some insight and to hear others’ experiences. We’re at a loss for how to make such a huge decision.

Meditate on it. Take long walks or drives and talk. Go inward. Don’t rely on strangers on the internet who aren’t even willing to reveal their actual name to give you advice about something so hugely personal and life-changing.

9. My son was admitted to the honors college at two universities in addition to being accepted at another more selective university and two rigorous liberal arts colleges. How much of a difference does the honors college make?

Honors colleges at large universities have increased in popularity in an effort to provide two simultaneous experiences to students: a smaller college atmosphere within a huge, vibrant university. The honors college will enable students to have priority class registration, nicer housing, and sometimes smaller classes. But, it shouldn’t dictate an entire college decision.

10. My husband and I did not attend college, and we’re afraid we may misguide our daughter.

This is totally understandable! Encourage your child to seek out trusted teachers, mentors, and coaches who are more familiar with the terrain of college to cultivate a community to support you.

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