Why Can’t People Understand Each Other? |
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Due to months of pain before and after knee surgery, Sam gained 50 pounds. His ice cream habit didn’t help. Sam’s wife, Sheryl, told him she was no longer physically attracted to him because he had gotten so large. Sheryl’s goal was for her message to motivate Sam to get healthy through exercise and eating less. But Sam took Sheryl’s statement as a threat to their marriage, believing she was thinking of leaving him and finding someone who could do more than five sit-ups. Although Sheryl repeatedly reassured Sam of her love and commitment, he was not convinced. He wondered how soon their marriage would end and what he would do afterward.
Misunderstanding Is More Common Than Understanding
Alan Sillars is a communication researcher who focuses on why and how people in close relationships interact and misunderstand each other. Sometimes misunderstanding is trivial or innocent and likely more easily solved. For example, Sillars (2014) has described two people interpreting plans for meeting up “next weekend” differently.
More problematic, though, is when misunderstanding of another person in a close relationship reflects greater complexity and difference. You might be surprised to learn that understanding one’s partner is often rarer than we realize. People may misunderstand some or all their partner’s perspective as much as 90% of the time (e.g., Sillars et al., 2000, 2005). This helps us appreciate why understanding is often so hard to achieve.
When Seeking Understanding Is Unsuccessful
First, it is important to keep in mind that direct communication with others in our lives does not always increase understanding. Communication is complex and often disorderly. So often people make immediate judgments that stick, even when they are wrong. Sam’s fear that his marriage was in jeopardy severely biased his interpretation of........