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The inflated ego mindset interferes with intimacy.

Narcissism cancels partnership.

Any of us can at times be me-centered rather than we-centered. The most common nickname for this style is “ego.” We can learn not to put ourselves down when we are self-centered but to feel compassion for whatever fear might lurk beneath our swagger. We do not vilify our ego but hold it respectfully and tame it tenderly. Then it serves our world and relationships rather than subverting them. Ego becomes what it is meant to be: a lieutenant not a general.

The ego is healthy when it helps us fulfill our life goals. When an ego becomes too big for its britches, it becomes egotism. We may find egotistical behavior objectionable and unjustified. Our healthy and compassionate style, however, is not to demean egotists. We get it that their swagger is based on self-doubt, fear, and shame. So although we don’t like egotistical behavior or attitudes we can still feel compassion for what led to ego-armoring in the first place.

We can feel the tragedy of a permanently defensive ego that elbows people out of its way and grabs all it can for itself. Such a style is based on an illusory belief that there are not enough resources to go around. That sense of scarcity is the suspicion or fear that “I have to get mine since I can't trust that what I need will be given to me. There won't be enough to go around. I won't get what is rightfully coming to me.”

We can easily see how such beliefs show a lack of trust. They might be based on experiences in adult life. They might go back to a childhood in which we were emotionally deprived and indeed could not trust that what we needed would come our way.

Most of us have encountered an egotistical person who displays an off-putting demand that he be the center of attention, that he dominate people and circumstances. Such behavior is typically traceable to a wound from childhood. Here are five common examples:

When we were not given loving attention, our wound is neglect by those who were supposed to be attentive to us.

When we were not allowed to have personal power, our wound has to do with being controlled or having our spirit squelched.

When we were judged as wrong, bad, or inadequate, we might have imbibed the belief about ourselves: “I don’t measure up; I have to keep proving myself as worthy.”

When we were excluded, scorned, or shamed, we might now believe: “I don’t fit in; I am on the margin looking in.”

When we were isolated, deserted, or betrayed, we might suppose: “I have no one I can really rely on; it is all up to me.”

Under the bravado and bluster of egotism is a raw sensitivity to hurts such as these. But instead of responding to hurt with an “Ouch!” or with grief, an egotist can only stuff the pain and compensate with arrogant, look-good attitudes and behavior. This is why the chest-thumping ego is the great imposter. In reality, egotists have a very fragile ego—something women seem to recognize easily in so many men.

The arrogant ego is a mindset, what is often referred to as “attitude,” a word that has come to mean “big ego.” A mindset is a fixed set of beliefs with which we interpret or respond to a situation or person.

The mindset of the inflated ego called egotism is actually a collection of compulsions: “me-first,” "I have to be right, honored, excused, given preference.: It is unappealing to all of us. In healthy pride, on the other hand, we appreciate our gifts and want to share them, not show them off. “Healthy” refers to what is sane, wholesome, and mature in us.

Why Relationships Matter

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The vain, inflated ego is a disability when it comes to forming healthy relationships both at home and at work. The real culprit in so many failed relationships is ego. A physical disability cramps our range of motion. An arrogant ego is an impairment because it limits our range of cooperation and mutuality.

Intimacy can breathe only in an atmosphere of ever-increasing openness, admitted and amended shortcomings, continual forgiveness, generously mended failures, willingly repaired disruptions. None of that happens on the planet Ego.

We have all heard the expression, “looking for love in all the wrong places.” We might say that an ego attitude and behavior is looking for love in all the wrong ways.

Egotistical behavior and attitudes can soon drive people away. Yet, it is possible to move from an isolated ego style to authentic connection and mutuality. Indeed, the opposite of ego-attitude is its remedy, a loving attitude toward self and others, too: “I choose to be aware of every cunning trick of ego. I am here to experience real love in my life. I won't let the old sly pickpocket rob me of my chance for intimacy.”

Adapted from: You Are Not What You Think: The Egoless Path to Self-Esteem and Generous Love.

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