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If you feel anxious, it's natural to seek control in all areas of your life.

But much of life is beyond our control, such as the aging process.

This means that seeking control often makes us more anxious, not less.

Nobody likes feeling out of control, unless we are enjoying the safe-but-scary thrills of a rollercoaster or horror movie. When it comes to the important stuff of life, like our intimate relationships, health, and finances, we all like to feel in control.

But if you struggle with anxiety, you are likely to be especially sensitive to feeling out of control. You may also seek certainty, trying to think ahead and plan for every eventuality.

As I explain in my new book, Heal Your Trauma: How to Overcome a Painful Childhood to Become Happy and Whole Again, viewed through a schema therapy or internal family systems (IFS) lens, this means you have an anxious inner child, feeling small, scared, and vulnerable. A cluster of protective parts around this anxious little one are working hard to keep them safe. These protectors might include a perfectionist, who makes sure you never make mistakes so you can never be criticised, blamed, or attacked if things go wrong.

You will probably have an inner worrier, worrying away 24/7 when that little part feels anxious, doing all the mental bridge-crossing that helps you anticipate threats or dangers up ahead and try to problem-solve them. There will likely also be an avoider, helping you avoid the things that make you anxious, such as parties or public speaking.

The (Reassuring) Illusion of........

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