The Importance of Forgiveness

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What are the implications of the familiar saying, “I forgive, but I don’t forget”?

Forgiveness doesn’t mean erasing the infraction, and remembering doesn’t necessarily mean holding a grudge.

Trust doesn’t always parallel forgiveness, which doesn’t make the forgiveness any less meaningful.

We’ve probably all heard—or used—the saying so many times that its implications aren’t even on our radar, although they deserve a closer look. Think about it: “I forgive, but I don’t forget” is decidedly different from saying, “I forgive.” The former has an edge to it, an emotional sharpness. But why?

For starters, what exactly are we adding with “but I don’t forget”? We can safely assume the person isn’t making a literal statement about their ability to remember. Of course they remember, so why the need to say it?

Part of it sounds like a cautionary tale: I may be forgiving you, but what happened has changed something. There may be consequences if my trust is broken again, and I’ve learned from this experience and intend to remember what I learned.

There is also a layer of vulnerability to the statement. If someone has broken our trust, forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean that the trust comes right along with it. In fact, the “I don’t forget” part may be less about memory and more about acknowledging that something has changed, perhaps permanently. We may forgive someone and still not trust them in quite the same way again.

Which raises a more interesting question: When we say, “I forgive, but I don’t forget,” are we describing forgiveness, or are we acknowledging just how difficult forgiveness can actually be?

Why not be more direct and say, “I can try to forgive,........

© Psychology Today