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What Is Emotion Regulation?
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It is common for people to try to suppress their emotions and feign happiness.
Emotional suppression often leads the negative effects of emotions to linger longer and be more pronounced.
Incongruence is when emotions don't match behaviors and expressions and can trigger people's nervous systems.
Emotional acceptance helps people move through emotions more quickly and healthfully.
So many of us are faking it. We’re gritting our teeth and pretending to be OK, faking smiles and feigning interest.
Happiness is often viewed as an achievement, the cumulative effect of an individual doing the work. The myth goes something like this: If I make my bed, force a smile, take deep breaths, exercise, meditate, go to therapy, and buy the latest self-help guide, I can will myself into a state of happiness.
But it’s a myth. We can’t fake the funk. Emotions come and go. We can’t walk them off or hurry them along when we don’t first acknowledge and accept that they’re real.
The Risks of Emotional Suppression
Many studies have demonstrated the downsides of emotional suppression. People experience more negative affect and biological distress when holding their emotions in.
In one study, participants were either taught to suppress or accept their emotions. Both groups then watched an emotional film. Participants who were primed to accept emotions experienced less negative affect and a lowered heart rate after watching the film. By accepting their emotions as they happened, the emotional acceptance group felt better faster and returned to a more neutral biological state more quickly.
I think we’ve all experienced similar downsides to emotional suppression. We bottle up our anger, only to feel worse longer and later. We soldier on, instead of accepting we’re struggling, staying mired in our grief.
Why Emotional Incongruence Is a Problem
Many of us maintain that stiff upper lip for other people. We bury our emotions for the good of our family or friends. We remain stoic to maintain professionalism at work. But suppressing emotions doesn’t just negatively impact you; it also triggers those around you.
Incongruence occurs when someone’s emotions don't match their expressions and behaviors. For example, when you are annoyed with your children, you may fake a neutral or happy face.
The problem with incongruence, though, is that it can trigger other people’s nervous systems and be read as a threat signal. Evidence suggests that incongruence triggers people’s autonomic nervous system response and can unconsciously cause fight, flight, or freeze responses in the very people we’re suppressing our emotions for in the first place.
So stop thinking you’re doing people favors by bottling up your emotions. Be direct and honest about what you’re feeling to prevent incongruence and triggering other people’s nervous systems.
How to Move Toward Emotional Acceptance
Emotional acceptance doesn’t mean we like what we’re feeling. It means we’re honest about it.
Remind yourself that feelings come and go. They’re not permanent, and they don’t define you. Stop trying to walk off your emotions or bottle them up.
I always think of a Simpsons’ quote, when Marge advises Lisa to “push your feelings down, down, down, past your feet, so you’re almost walking on them.” That exchange makes for hilarious comedy because we know it’s not the way to go.
What Is Emotion Regulation?
Take our Emotional Intelligence Test
Find a therapist near me
So to help us move through emotions without as much of the residual damage, we can’t listen to Marge: Accept that you’re feeling how you’re feeling. Be authentic. Express it. And move on.
Butler, S. (2024). Polyvagal Theory in the Classroom: A Guide to Empower Educators and Support Dysregulated Children and Young People. Routledge.
Campbell-Sills, L., Barlow, D. H., Brown, T. A., & Hofmann, S. G. (2006). Effects of suppression and acceptance on emotional responses of individuals with anxiety and mood disorders. Behaviour research and therapy, 44(9), 1251-1263.
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