One of the greatest gifts we give our children is self-awareness. Helping them to understand what makes them tick—and how their thoughts and feelings affect their behavior—is critical for their ability to develop effective, healthy ways to express their full range of emotions as they grow. That is the definition of good mental health.

However, many parents I work with express concern about their children's resistance to talking about feelings. They refuse to engage in reflective discussions to process and learn from difficult incidents. They cover their ears, tell their parents to go away, immediately change the subject, or just shout that they don't want to talk about it.

I believe this reaction is rooted in the discomfort of revisiting an emotionally charged experience, especially when the child feels shame about it. The last thing they want is a face-to-face discussion that can feel very overwhelming, so they shut it down.

You can't, nor should you, try to force your kids to have these conversations. Pressuring them often results in digging in their heels more fiercely and redoubling their defenses. They may also develop a knee-jerk, negative reaction every time you try to initiate a reflective discussion, making it less likely they will feel safe to reflect and open up in the future.

1. Set a validating tone from the get-go that does not convey any judgment or smack of being a correction. Your opening gambit is critical because it can make or break whether your child opens up or shuts down. If your tone is serious, say, "Let's talk about what happened at the playground today.” Or, "Let's talk about your meltdown at........

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