Why “Confidence” Is the Wrong Goal |
For most of my life, I thought I struggled with confidence and that low self-esteem was the cause.
In fact, on my path of trying to “become more confident,” nearly all the advice I received around dating, visibility, work, and relationships was about confidence:
“Just put yourself out there.”
“Fake it till you make it.”
“Work on your self-esteem.”
“Just be more confident.”
Or my personal favorite, “Self-esteem comes from doing estimable acts.”
On the surface, working on self-esteem or doing power poses in front of a mirror and saying affirmations makes sense and can even sometimes help. If only we were more confident, the partner, job, or happiness would follow.
But there’s more to confidence than effort alone. Confidence assumes something crucial—that the nervous system already feels safe enough to take interpersonal risk. Without an inner sense of safety, however, trying to be more confident can feel exhausting and inauthentic. True self-confidence depends on secure attachment, self-trust, and a nervous system that perceives safety, not just........