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Unmet needs in childhood can make it hard to feel worthy of asking for what we want as adults.

A want adds meaning or pleasure to our lives, while a need is something we can't develop without.

Winnicott's idea of the true and false self helps explain why gay men struggle to know what they want.

For 11 years, I worked at a popular bar in Los Angeles, and one of the things I noticed working there as long as I did was that most people know what they don't want, but few really know what they want.

It was common for someone to sit down, ask for a menu, and look through it making comments about all the things they didn't want, spending so much time trying to decide what they actually wanted.

Similarly, whenever I ask a client about his wants or his needs, the look I get back is like a deer in headlights. Most of us don't know what we want or need, let alone understand the difference between the two.

Distinguishing Between Wants and Needs

A need is something fundamental to our psychological and emotional wellbeing. Maslow's hierarchy of needs places safety, love, belonging, and esteem among our core human needs. When those needs go unmet in childhood, a child doesn't develop the secure attachment necessary for him to feel worthy of love, to feel safe in the world, and to trust other people.

Without a secure........

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