Alien Selves, Abusive Partners, and Early Trauma |
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Early trauma, neglect, or abuse can create a self that feels unworthy—an Alien Self.
People may choose an abusive partner to try to control internal critical voices.
Trying to embrace and understand the split off, disavowed self, the Alien Self, helps.
The Alien Self, as described by Fonagy and Bateman, is a detested, disavowed, disowned part of the self that arises out of trauma. Early neglect or abuse can lead a child to feel as if they are an undesirable or unworthy being. Caregivers not grasping, or even having disdain for, a child's natural leanings, can also create an Alien Self. Because it is not welcome or celebrated, the child seals off an authentic identity. Because they were not embraced, they do not embrace themselves.
Critical, persecutory voices, originally from outside, remain in the inner life. The Alien Self is both an aspect of identity and a repository for others' negative responses to that identity. Being in touch with the Alien Self can be intolerable, as it gives rise to shame. If the Alien Self remains cut off or unconscious, if authentic drives are suppressed, self-destructive leanings, such as choosing an abusive partner, ensue. Unprocessed trauma can lead to against-the-self decisions. Self-awareness is a great moderator. If the Alien Self is brought into consciousness and questioned, one might feel more vitalized, authentic, and able. Silent........