Once their daughter or son starts separating from childhood, usually around ages 9 to 13, adolescence commonly begins.

Now the girl or boy feels more restless and dissatisfied, not content to be defined and treated as just a little child anymore, but wanting something different, more, and older.

Thus, the 10- to 12-year coming-of-age passage gets underway as two parallel forces begin to drive adolescent growth.

The young person begins to detach from childhood and parents to create growing independence, pressing for more freedom of action. And the young person begins to differentiate from childhood and parents to express growing individuality, pressing for more freedom of self-definition.

On both counts, growing more separate and more unique, parenting a "teenager" is differently demanding than parenting a child. In response, they must now adjust their expectations to keep pace with the young person’s growing changes so they can stay caringly and communicatively connected as adolescent development unfolds and gradually grows them apart, which it is meant to do.

At this point, I believe it helps ease the parental way to foresee common changes in their daughter or son so they can adjust expectations accordingly.

As adolescence unfolds, parents can anticipate distance, diversity, and disagreement to increase between them and their growing teenager.

Getting used to adolescent changes is what parents must continually do, stage by adolescent stage adjusting expectations for themselves and of their teenager.

Thus, parents adjust expectations for themselves as the young person proceeds through the growing-up years.

Now consider some examples of how parents might use changing expectations to refocus their relationship, helping the changing teenager as she or he grows through their educational passage.

Expectations are chosen mental sets of three kinds that can have powerful emotional effects, particularly when violated. There are predictions about what will happen, ambitions about what they want to happen, and conditions about what they believe should happen.

Because unmet expectations can be so powerfully affecting, when violated, they can have painful emotional consequences. This is why parents are constantly clarifying their expectations with the teenager about foreseeable activities, valued objectives, hard realities, and necessary compliance:

“We talk and talk with you about your life so we can stay on the same page of understanding, anticipation, and agreement. This way we can help you get ahead and also help us to get along."

QOSHE - Adolescent Changes for Parents to Anticipate - Carl E Pickhardt Ph.d
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Adolescent Changes for Parents to Anticipate

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20.05.2024

Once their daughter or son starts separating from childhood, usually around ages 9 to 13, adolescence commonly begins.

Now the girl or boy feels more restless and dissatisfied, not content to be defined and treated as just a little child anymore, but wanting something different, more, and older.

Thus, the 10- to 12-year coming-of-age passage gets underway as two parallel forces begin to drive adolescent growth.

The young person begins to detach from childhood and parents to create growing independence, pressing for more freedom of action. And the young person begins to differentiate from childhood and parents to........

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