The Science of Mating

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The 3-3-3 rule suggests having three key checkpoints during the earlier stages of dating someone.

The first checkpoint is after three dates, since you've had three timepoints to confirm some impressions.

The second checkpoint is after three weeks, and the third is after three months.

Not all dating rules will help your relationships—but this one might. It's the 3-3-3 dating rule that you may have seen on social media and different parts of the internet.

The 3-3-3 rule suggests that you should have three key checkpoints during the earlier stages of dating someone—after three dates, after three weeks, and after three months. These are checkpoints for you to evaluate where things are at, whether there is actually a real fit between the two of you, and whether you should continue to deepen ties versus cut them altogether.

Now it's important to take all so-called dating rules with at least three grains of salt, and the 3-3-3 rule is no exception. One size doesn't fit all—or perhaps, in this case, three sizes don't fit all—when it comes to dating and relationships, which can proceed in many different ways and at different timelines. So, it's good to remain appropriately flexible and adaptable.

However, having some kind of structured checkpoints can be helpful because clear thinking and dating don't always go together. It could also "three" you from spending too much time in a pairing that's not a good fit and destined to eventually fail.

The Three-Date Checkpoint

The first checkpoint comes after three dates because remember the saying that once can be an accident, twice a coincidence, but three times is a trend. It's relatively easy to maintain an act and image through one and maybe two dates. At the same time, someone can be nervous and not really be themselves through the course of two dates. But going through three dates will have given you three different time points to observe what may be trending with the person and your feelings towards the person.

Of course, if things look good through three dates, you shouldn't necessarily say, "And now we can get married." Instead, the decision here is simply whether to step up the getting to know each other better thing versus ditching the mission altogether. Giving a person a three-to-five-date chance helps prevent rash judgments in either direction—like "that person has a rash so he or she can't possibly be my soul mate."

The Three-Week Checkpoint

The next checkpoint is at the three-week mark. By then, presumably, you have had a chance to observe each other in multiple settings, under multiple conditions. While three dates could have been more like three interviews, a three-week period probably has given you the opportunity to observe the other person on the job, so to speak, and in more natural settings.

The d-words may have come up, too—meaning feeling either further drawn in to the person or, alternatively, growing doubts. If it's the latter d-word, don't deny the doubts. Instead, clarify what may be troubling you and course correct accordingly. For example, if you are troubled by the person's viewpoints about something important to you, like having children, you may want to just ask him or her directly.

The Three-Month Checkpoint

If you've made it to three months with the person, this is the third and last checkpoint of the 3-3-3 framework. All those attraction neurochemicals have had a chance to settle down and reach some kind of steady state. You have now seen the other person in a variety of situations and his or her responses to different situations, including stressful ones. You have presumably seen more of the real person.

The Science of Mating

Take our Are You a Good First Date?

Find a therapist near me

Speaking of real, by this time, you should have some real answers to some real important questions. How compatible are the two of you, really? Do you really share the same core values? Do you understand each other? Are you able to communicate in a real manner? Can you really resolve conflicts constructively? Do you really feel stronger or weaker with the other person?

Most relationships that are exclusive have gone that way by the three-month mark. So, unless you are a polyamorous-type of person, you may want to have the e-talk at the three-month mark if you haven't already. If there's still doubt at three months, then you have to wonder whether you'll ever be free of that doubt.

Don’t Make the 3-3-3 Rule a Test

While it's good to be mindful of the person you're with, dating and relationships are not about testing the other person. After all, no one will consciously say something like, "Gee, I want to be in a relationship where I have to constantly prove myself." Rather than tests, such checkpoints can be more times to reflect on where the dating/relationship is going and make course corrections accordingly. You can even make it more like a shared thing, such as saying to the other person, "Hey, we've been dating for three months, just wanted to check in to see what each of us is feeling and thinking."

The 3-3-3 rule also doesn't mean that you can't check in with each other more frequently. If, for example, the other person wanted to ask how you are feeling at 19 days, you don't have to respond, "Talk to me in two days, please." Maintaining active and clear communication with each other can really help any relationship.

Ultimately, more frequent check-ins can help you deepen ties or save that most precious resource of them all—time. The more time you spend in the wrong fit and situation, the less time you have to find and be in the right ones. You don't want to end up regretting wasting such time. So, it wouldn't be odd to use some threes to help you avoid saying "I can't even" in the future.

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