Silence and Sexual Shame |
The Fundamentals of Sex
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Sex education should include consent, sexual pleasure, masturbation, and how to develop emotional intimacy.
The media portray sex in ways that increase our own self-consciousness and inhibition.
Combat shame by changing self-talk from criticism to connection, without making orgasm the primary goal.
“Tell me your sexual history,” I say. My new 48-year-old client looks at the oriental rug between us. This is our third session, and she’s complained of anxiety, trouble sleeping, and feeling distant from her husband. Gently, I say, “Your sexual experiences are an important part of your life.” Now she glances around my office and brushes imaginary lint off her pants. I wait. Finally, she looks at me and shakes her head, her cheeks developing high color. “I’ve never had an orgasm,” she says. “I’ve faked it with my husband for 20 years.” As her eyes fill with tears, I’m sad for her, yet hopeful, because for the first time, she’s confessed this private heartache to someone who cares.
For 30 years, I’ve been doing psychotherapy with individuals and couples. Unless I ask my clients how they feel about their bodies, their sex life, or their level of satisfaction with partners, most of them don’t bring up those subjects. Even my friends struggle to talk about it. In America, where the media is full of sexuality, and sex education in schools is encouraged, the prevalence of secrecy and shame is remarkable.
It starts early. According........