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Therapists must live the wisdom they offer.

A divided life undermines the integrity of a healer.

Deep inner work is required to align one’s life with one’s guidance.

Forty years ago, I met my first psychotherapy client. I was working in a small psychiatric hospital in New England. My client, a young man in his early 20s, was suffering from severe anxiety after discovering that his fiancée was cheating on him.

What I remember most from our first session was telling him he had to “look at himself honestly.” As the words came out of my mouth, I had a simultaneous thought: Am I looking at myself honestly?

At that time, I was caught in two addictive behaviors. As I urged my client to look at himself honestly, I realized I wasn’t being honest with myself.

In that instant, I became aware of a split. Wisdom was coming out of my mouth that I was not living.

This realization hit a deep place inside me. My late father was a well-respected psychotherapist. When he died, patients approached me at his memorial service and said, "Your father… nobody loved me like your father,” and “He really listened to me,” and “He was so kind and caring.”

I stood there, managing a very thin smile, thinking, What? Are you kidding?

This was not the father I knew. As a child, I remember sitting at the kitchen table waiting for him to come home for lunch,........

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