The Challenges of Divorce

Take our Relationship Satisfaction Test

Find a therapist to heal from a divorce

Divorce is not one ending but three different psychological separations.

Staying friends too soon can be a form of avoidance, not maturity.

Sex during separation often harms negotiation.

Children are damaged more by triangulation than by divorce itself.

Co-authored with Galit Romanelli, M.A.

“I want us to stay friends,” Erica said, teary.

“I don’t want to be your friend,” Jeff answered coldly.

Erica didn’t understand why.

“Because you want to divorce him. That’s why,” I said gently. “Maybe one day you’ll be friends. But not now. Don’t expect that.”

Ending a marriage well is a worthy goal. A destructive divorce leaves a bitter taste. It can damage both partners’ trust in intimacy and partnership. Sometimes it makes people afraid to commit again. Often it scars children into believing marriage is a war zone, which they will replicate or avoid.

Often one partner initiates the divorce. Let’s call them the initiator. The other partner does not want it or agrees reluctantly. Let’s call them the responder. The initiator usually wants a quick and respectful process, often to reduce guilt. The responder is often hurt, angry, sometimes even vengeful. That gap creates tension between them.

Every marriage is built on three distinct bonds:

Partners. Running a home together and raising children. This requires communication, coordination, shared responsibility, and backing each other up.

Friends. Closeness, companionship, inside jokes, shared language, emotional support.

Lovers. Emotional intimacy, desire, attraction, physical connection.

When couples divorce, they do not just separate once. They separate three times. For Jeff and Erica, the struggle centered on the friendship bond.

Between Partnership and Friendship

Most divorcing couples stopped being lovers long before divorcing. That bond usually unravels first.

The second bond, which needs deliberate restructuring, is the partnership. Divorced parents remain connected for life. Even if there is resentment, revenge will only harm the children. The divorcing adults still share a common interest: protecting the children from the marital power struggle.

And the friendship? That is the confusing one. Especially when the decision to divorce is not mutual.

Divorce requires managing three parallel separations. Some bonds dissolve. Some must be reorganized.

So how to do this well?

Untie the Romantic and Erotic

Stop it. When a partner makes a final decision to divorce, sexual and romantic intimacy should stop clearly and respectfully. Sometimes the responder continues to seek sex, hoping it will change the initiator’s mind. But at that stage, sex is not equal. It carries hidden negotiations. It complicates the process.

Sex during separation also sends mixed signals to children. Yes, children sense closeness, even if they do not see anything. If one partner starts dating others, it it not wise to share that early on. There is no reason to ignite jealousy or hostility. And this is not the moment to explain why the sex was not good in the marriage. That is not constructive. Clarity reduces damage.

Redesign the Partnership

Dismantling a shared home requires delicacy. Rebuilding co-parenting takes time.

Lower expectations. Assume 70% goodwill between divorcing spouses; 30% of interactions might be passive aggressive and nasty. Lowered expectations will prevent disappointment and judgment. After all, separating is a highly emotional event. The opposite of love is apathy. Hate and love will appear and reappear at times.

The Challenges of Divorce

Take our Relationship Satisfaction Test

Find a therapist to heal from a divorce

Be on the same team. When the decision is final, the adults should sit down together with the children. Prepare in advance what to say. Rehearse possible questions. Calm parents create safer conversations. Repeat that the divorce is not their fault. Say it again and again. Tell them you love them. That you will never stop loving them. That they do not have to choose sides.

Brace for impact. Expect tears. Anger. Resistance. Silence. Quick acceptance. Negotiation. Blame. Guilt. Helplessness. Validate everything. All emotions are legitimate.

Initiate follow-up conversations. Children may hesitate to bring it up again. If you avoid the topic, it becomes a taboo. Taboo creates shame.

Share with care. Share your own feelings with the children in a regulated way. Model healthy emotional expression. Otherwise, you risk acting out your pain.

Be generous. With your ex, there will be misunderstandings at first. Be patient. Do not gossip. Do not insult. Do not recruit the children as messengers.

Triangulation is destructive. When children become mediators or judges, they are forced into loyalty conflicts that damage them.

Take it outside. To proceed with logistics, set a “partners meeting” outside the house. Have an agenda and limit the meeting to 30 minutes. The setting keeps you on your best behavior and prevents sliding into a full emotional conversation that leaves partners exhausted without momentum.

Structure helps. Start with a mediator. If needed, involve a family therapist or parent counselor.

Do You Need to Stay Friends?

To initiators: Do not pressure your ex to stay friends. It is not realistic. It is not fair. Don’t share or ask about their feelings without their permission. The responder may feel rejected, betrayed, abandoned, furious, confused. Even if you shared everything for years, now is the time for space. Sometimes the initiator offers extra empathy and support to reduce guilt. But too much comfort can become subtle manipulation. Friendship cannot be a consolation prize.

Time for joint processing. Ask each other if you want to share or hear the other. If you both agree, choose a place and set a time limit within which each will share (as much or as little of) what they’re going through. Stay in the I language and don’t analyze or give advice to the other. If one of you gets triggered during the share, then immediately stop and try again later.

In the early stage, the friendship bond often evaporates. Years later, when both partners stabilize in new relationships or lifestyles, friendship may return.

It is completely fine if it does not.

What matters most is a stable, respectful parental partnership. That is what allows your children to grow up with a healthy perception of relationships and even of separation. They learn that endings do not have to become wars.

Your children are watching.

You do not have to stay friends.

You do have to separate with maturity.

Galit Romanelli is a relationship coach, Ph.D.-candidate in gender studies, and co-director of The Potential State.

Thompson, K.A. (2017). Friends, Partners & Lovers: What It Takes To Make Your Marriage Work. Grand Rapids, MI: Revell.

© Psychology Today