My father died three months ago at the age of 99. He lived a full, adventurous, and satisfying life. He decided he was ready to die when he could no longer do the things that gave his life meaning: reading the New York Times, walking down Russian Hill to North Beach to see who was hanging out at the Trieste, sharing a meal with his children and grandchildren. I was with him until he took his final small breath. He just slipped peacefully away.
It all felt complete, even perfect. We’d said everything we needed to say to each other. I knew he loved me. He didn’t suffer. Although I was sad, I jumped right into action mode. After several weeks of not crying, I wondered, “Why is this grief so different from the other losses I have had?” Then it came to me: I am having a delayed grief response.
Delayed grief happens when you have a significant loss, such as the death of a loved one, or a divorce, but you don’t experience the typical signs and symptoms of grief. Instead of expressing grief when the loss occurs, you might find waves of emotion arising later. For me, it has taken three months, and then the sadness hit me hard. I had suppressed my emotional response as a way of coping with the challenges of each new day.
Divorce is a kind of death, and you may find that your grief increases over time, or feels heavier months later, just when you thought you were feeling better. Yes, divorce can indeed cause a delayed grief response. The end of a marriage is a huge life change that involves the loss of a primary relationship, the death of shared dreams, and often the complete restructuring of one's life. Divorce brings many emotions, and grief is most common.
It isn’t that you aren’t and haven’t been grieving, though. It’s just that you have postponed its expression, intentionally or unconsciously. Later, perhaps in a quiet moment and when you least expect it, the emotional impact may surface. My grief hit me when I was brushing my teeth! As if I had just realized I would never see my father again. And that’s when you can start to process and work through your grief.
Shock and Denial: The initial revelation of a divorce or separation can be shocking, leading to a sense of disbelief or denial. “This can’t be happening,” you might think. This shock may delay the full emotional impact of the situation.........