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There Is No Tidy Ending to My Eating Disorder

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Trigger Warning: This post contains weights and calories.

I’ve been struggling with my eating disorder. I haven’t gained the pandemic fifteen, not even the pandemic ten. The pandemic four is more like it and sometimes my weight does go back down to what I weighed when this whole thing started.

I was tolerating it better then, but there was a lot less chaos in my life, so I wasn’t seeking that feeling of control. Now I feel like I want to reach into my life with my fist and squeeze, holding everything tight in my five fingers. So many aspects of my life feel so out of control and the one thing I can control is what I put in my mouth.

So much has changed and so much hasn’t. I still focus on numbers on the scale and sizes on a pair of pants. The woman who leads my monthly eating disorder support group (who is the director and owner of an eating disorder treatment center and a recovered anorexic) suggested I put away my scale, but I can’t. I’m terrified that if I put it away for six month or a year and then bring it back out, I will have gained two-hundred pounds. I need constant monitoring, or is that reassurance?

I’ve screwed up my body so badly; my bones, my stomach, my migraines, my teeth, that my brain is telling me if I even try to restrict, my body couldn’t take it. Missing a meal or a snack is my #2 trigger for my migraines (in case you’re wondering, #1 is when the barometric pressure drops, like when it rains and this is........

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