Don’t Manifest More Pleasure. Do This Instead |
The Fundamentals of Sex
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In sexual wellbeing, the obstacles we face are largely internal, not external.
Feeling good is not the same as creating change.
Rather than abandoning visualisation altogether, the evidence suggests refining it.
I remember seeing Jim Carrey talk about how his life was built by the belief that he could create his own reality. When he’s on a screen, he’s pretty hard not to watch, so naturally I was intrigued. At the time, I was mid-studies and deeply embedded in learning the scientific method. I had questions, but like most things consumed quickly online, the clip faded and I didn’t think much more about it.
Until recently. Manifesting has become a daily theme in my social feeds and in the online sexual wellness space. I am regularly seeing advice encouraging people to visualise the sex life they want—to imagine themselves confident, turned on, and deeply connected until that vision becomes their reality.
Armed with more evidence this time, I can tell you that there are decades of research showing that imagining a desired future can generate positive emotional states. This is true. Visualising “your best life” can boost mood and create a sense of hopefulness. That good feeling you get, and the boost in your mood, are nothing to sneeze at, but—and there is a but—feeling good is not the same as creating change. And this is where it can get tricky when you are applying it to a sex life that you actively want to change.
Here's the thing: Not only is it not the same thing as creating change, but it could actively decrease the likelihood that things will change. Research by psychologist Gabriele Oettingen and colleagues shows that when positive fantasy is used on its own, it can actually reduce follow-through (Oettingen, 2014). When we vividly imagine success, that emotional reward we get can unconsciously substitute for the effort required to make the change. In other words, your mind gets a win, feels good, and is no longer activated to motivate you to make effortful change.
And making an effort when it comes to your sex life is actually a pretty big deal. In one of the largest interview-based studies exploring what makes sex great (Muise et al., 2016), people who reported having great sex didn’t put it down to one simple action or effortless spontaneity. They described consistent prioritisation, significant effort, and engagement. They described investing attention and care in their sexual relationship. The great sex they reported wasn’t accidental or simply because they found great partners. It wasn't that they were some sort of sex god or goddess. It was attained through deliberate action and effort.
So if we aren't manifesting our way to great sex, what does work?
Rather than abandoning visualisation altogether, the evidence suggests refining it. This idea comes from research on mental contrasting (Oettingen, 2014). Mental contrasting is the concept that instead of stopping at a desired future, you deliberately hold two things in mind when you visualise your desired outcome:
The internal obstacle in your current reality that stands in the way.
This contrast creates productive tension. And when the desired future feels attainable, that tension increases commitment and effort rather than replacing it.
Because in sexual wellbeing, the obstacles we face are largely internal, not external:
The Fundamentals of Sex
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Avoidance of vulnerable conversations
Fatigue and resentment
Emotional disconnection
Anxiety about performance
Visualisation alone just bypasses these, whereas mental contrasting invites you to face them directly.
What does this shift actually look like? Instead of imagining yourself relaxed and connected during sex and stopping there, try this:
Imagine the desired future clearly. Perhaps you see yourself feeling present, responsive, and comfortable initiating touch.
Identify the internal obstacle. What usually gets in the way: Is it that you avoid initiating because you fear being rejected? Do you scroll on your phone instead of moving toward your partner? Do you disconnect from your body because of self-criticism?
Commit to one concrete behavioural shift that supports you to overcome this obstacle. Consider initiating a cuddle or other non-goal-oriented touch; saying one honest sentence; or turning toward rather than away.
Imagine what it will feel like to complete that change and, conversely, what it will feel like not to. How will it feel after doing that one action instead? What does it look like in the future if you dont take that action?
Now the image you are creating of the future isn’t replacing effort; it is actively fuelling it. This change means you are no longer manifesting your ideal sexual self. Instead, you’re practising actually becoming it.
Muise, A., Impett, E. A., Kogan, A., & Desmarais, S. (2013). Keeping the spark alive: Being motivated to meet a partner’s sexual needs sustains sexual desire in long-term romantic relationships. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 7 (7), 698–707. Oettingen, G. (2014). Rethinking positive thinking: Inside the new science of motivation.