Jadon cannot understand why Georgia is so upset that he is 10 minutes late for their date. He apologized, but she is crying and can’t calm down. She tells him that she thought he was not coming at all and that she just needs to know he cares for her. Now Jadon does feel frustrated with Georgia.
Although Georgia sincerely cares for Jadon and is invested in making their relationship work, her behavior is pushing Jadon away. Why would she do that?
In their research on this topic, Thomas Joiner and colleagues coined a term for behavior like Georgia’s—excessive reassurance-seeking. Excessive reassurance-seeking can happen in any relationship, including with family and friends. However, reassurance-seeking is especially common in romantic relationships.
People who engage in excessive reassurance-seeking ask repeatedly if they are loved and cared for and have difficulty feeling reassured, despite their partners’ efforts to show care and commitment.
These behaviors in small doses, or even in moderation, are not necessarily problematic. However, responding in many of these ways, strongly and repeatedly, can be critically damaging to a relationship.
Many people who behave in ways that are aversive or annoying don’t want to behave that way at all. Some people are not even aware that their behavior is aversive. However, stopping these behaviors can be very difficult because they are often fed by underlying psychological distress.
In fact, in the case of excessive reassurance-seeking, the need for reassurance can become obsessive, and requesting reassurance can become a compulsive behavior that is extremely difficult to inhibit.
Learning more about why some people have an intense need for reassurance can foster greater empathy for those who excessively seek reassurance, despite their difficult behavior. People who need a lot of reassurance are often perceived as needy and weak as if their need for reassurance is a personality flaw. However, these behaviors commonly stem from difficult early relationships or from traumatic experiences in later relationships.
Research demonstrates a link between young children’s relationships with caregivers, especially mothers, and excessive reassurance-seeking.
Young children form different types of attachment relationships with caregivers. Children with secure attachments typically have parents who are warm and responsive to their needs, and they tend to grow up to have especially well-functioning relationships. In contrast, children with insecure attachments frequently grow up to have problems in close relationships.
One type of insecure attachment style is referred to as an anxious or preoccupied style. Children who develop an anxious or preoccupied attachment style typically have parents whose behavior toward them is inconsistent. Sometimes these parents are responsive, but sometimes they are disengaged or even negative. Importantly, the children’s behavior does not elicit consistent responses. Sometimes the children’s bids for attention may be met with warmth but other times they may be met with indifference or annoyance.
These experiences send two messages to children. The first is that they are not deserving of consistent warm and caring treatment. The second is that they are not able to elicit comfort from others when needed.
From this perspective, it is not particularly surprising that these children often become adults who have difficulty feeling secure in their close relationships and that these insecurities feed the need for reassurance that they are loved, cared for, and will not be rejected or abandoned.
Gaining a better understanding of why people engage in excessive reassurance-seeking can foster empathy, which is important. However, the behavior still can be challenging to tolerate.
Fortunately, with this information in mind, there are steps that can be taken—both by people who excessively seek reassurance and by their partners—to soften the impact on the relationship.
Relationships are not static, and people do change. If we are thoughtful and dedicate effort to the process, these changes can be for the better. In fact, even adults who have had insecure attachment styles for their whole lives can develop a more secure attachment style. Initially, excessive reassurance-seeking is something to “manage” in a relationship. If managed well, however, relationships can flourish and excessive reassurance-seeking can become a problem (literally) of the past.
References
Starr, L. R., Santee, A. C., & Huang, M. (2023). Dependency and excessive reassurance seeking. In D. J. A. Dozois & K. S. Dobson (Eds.), Treatment of psychosocial risk factors in depression. (pp. 133–155). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/0000332-007
Shaver, P. R., Schachner, D. A., & Mikulincer, M. (2005). Attachment style, excessive reassurance seeking, relationship processes, and depression. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 31(3), 343-359.
Do You Really Love Me?
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28.03.2023
Jadon cannot understand why Georgia is so upset that he is 10 minutes late for their date. He apologized, but she is crying and can’t calm down. She tells him that she thought he was not coming at all and that she just needs to know he cares for her. Now Jadon does feel frustrated with Georgia.
Although Georgia sincerely cares for Jadon and is invested in making their relationship work, her behavior is pushing Jadon away. Why would she do that?
In their research on this topic, Thomas Joiner and colleagues coined a term for behavior like Georgia’s—excessive reassurance-seeking. Excessive reassurance-seeking can happen in any relationship, including with family and friends. However, reassurance-seeking is especially common in romantic relationships.
People who engage in excessive reassurance-seeking ask repeatedly if they are loved and cared for and have difficulty feeling reassured, despite their partners’ efforts to show care and commitment.
These behaviors in small doses, or even in moderation, are not necessarily problematic. However, responding in many of these ways, strongly and repeatedly, can be critically damaging to a relationship.
Many people who behave in ways that are aversive or annoying don’t want to behave........
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