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Hold my hand in the darkness

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18.10.2020

I'm so tired of struggling.

You know, I was doing well for a really long time. I was happy. Every day. And this happens, every couple years, where I'm well for a while, and it gives me a false sense of hope. That everything is going to be okay. And then something happens, or nothing happens, and I'm in the deep well of schizophrenia again.

You know, I used to try to look at the positive side. Good vibes only type of thing. That very toxic kind of positivity. I would tell myself, the mental health community is so supportive and lovely, I've met so many great people because of schizophrenia. Or schizophrenia has given me art. I wouldn't change my life if given the chance.

But I don't really care about art anymore. I have written anything at all in so long. My mind is just...full of things nobody cares about. People expect me to write about schizophrenia and I fear that no one wants to read about anything else I have to write. As if without my schizophrenia I'm insignificant.

It's a hard life. When schizophrenia punches you in the face. I've spent weeks drifting through the air, like a ghost. And I don't know what........

© Psychology Today


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