How Can I Manage My Anger?

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People want to be heard and understood, which is often where an argument starts: misunderstanding.

Rather than a full-blown argument, these small shifts can lead to more productive communication.

In many disagreements, both sides can feel or be “right” based on their perspective.

I remember a neighbor telling me what I thought and felt. His assumptions were inaccurate and insulting. When I tried to correct his perception, he did it again. It wasn’t a very long exchange, but it didn’t end well: I yelled and marched away.

Can you recall a confrontation where you lost your cool?

Arguments rarely appear "out of nowhere." Even if it feels like a sudden 0 to 100, there’s often a ramp-up and clues where things are headed. Pace, tone, emotions, a “need” to feel heard, or a desire to be right starts to build. Then, when the intensity passes a certain point, it can be hard to think clearly. Also, listening usually goes out the window, as does responding in ways that reflect who you want to be.

But if you actually want to think clearly, listen well, and respond in ways that reflect who you want to be, here are some tips that might support you. There's a tricky part, though: What may help you have better, calmer, more productive arguments can seem like the opposite of what feels natural in the moment.

Because I try (though imperfectly) to practice what I teach as a therapist, here are some of my favorite ways to intervene before a disagreement becomes a heated........

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