“I wanted to have sex four times a week, and my partner was cool doing it once a week. So, our compromise was if the other person was ok doing hands stuff rather than the full-on experience, then that was an option.” —A married woman
“I have sex with my husband to maintain industrial peace in the home, but all my emotional resources are focused on my lover. After I check sex off my ‘to-do list,’ I feel bad about trading sex for this peace.” —A married woman
Sexual reciprocity, which is essential for sexual satisfaction of both partners, is based on mutual sexual desire and mutual motivation to sexually fulfill each other. However, the presence of differing levels of sexual desire often reduces sexual satisfaction. Is motivation to please each other enough to improve a stagnant sex life?
“Last night I had sex with my husband, but he did not actually touch me—just penetrated me. I was so sad, I could cry.” —A married woman
“We have an active sex life and I enjoy it. I give him blowjobs or handjobs every morning with absolutely no reciprocation, and when we have sex, he usually just sticks it in. He almost never fingers me or goes down on me.” —A married woman
Extreme cases that lack sexual reciprocity are rape or sex with a sex worker. Typical cases, however, concern more moderate degrees, in which there is more or less sex than one partner wants. Such cases are found in relationships where people (typically men) do not take steps toward satisfying their partner (typically women), thereby hurting and humiliating them. Marilyn Monroe once complained that President John Kennedy’s love-making was always very brief and hurried. Powerful men like Kennedy might not invest much effort in lovemaking because they believe they deserve good treatment without giving much back.
A relevant concept here is “sexual communal strength,” which refers to people who are motivated to sexually fulfill their lover, leading to a stronger relationship and sexual satisfaction. However, the type of motivation in pursuing such sex is important. Studies show that engaging in sex for approach goals, such as increasing........